After his wife gives birth to a stillborn, a wizard has three days to enlist the help of the state?s only necromancer to resurrect his daughter and break a generational curse that will kill all the female children born into the family.
LoratoLogliner
After his wife gives birth to a stillborn, a wizard has three days to enlist the help of the state?s only necromancer to resurrect his daughter and break a generational curse that will kill all the female children born into the family.
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“After his wife gives birth to a stillborn, a wizard has three days to enlist the help of the state?s only necromancer to resurrect his daughter and break a generational curse that will kill all the female children born into the family.”
I like this version’s idea. But the length needs to be trimmed.
After his daughter is born stillborn, a wizard has three days to enlist a necromancer’s help to resurrect her and break a generational curse which kills female children of his family.?(32)
I managed to cut ten words from your attempt.
Interesting idea Lorato, and nice suggested rework Dkpough1. More words could be cut too, I think. ?born? could be removed as birth or being born is implied in the word stillborn. ?generational? could go too, as that?s implied in something which ?kills female children of his family.? And I?d change ?a? to ?the? to make the curse more specific (The curse, versus any old generic curse). Then another bit of rearranging to make it more active. So then using Dkpough’s as a jump point:
After his daughter is stillborn, a wizard must enlist a necromancer?s help within three days to resurrect her and break the curse killing his family’s female children.
Definitely an improvement. ?But why doesn’t the wizzard have the wizzardy-ways to do it himself? ?And does it have to be a guy? ?Wouldn’t the mother be as a strongly motivated to ask for help?
And who is the protagonist anyway, the character asking for help or the character giving it?
Nice rework by OrinaryDreams. Wizards and necromancers are different, which is why they have different names. The case is probably that while the wizard can perform some necromancy, he doesn’t have the skill or power to the effect of a full-fledged necromancer. I do agree that if the lead is another straight, white male then I urge you to consider making it more diverse, which is sorely lacking in fantasy stories.
As for who’s the protagonist, it seems obvious it’s the character who has the stakes, I assume that enlisting the necromancer’s help is possibly an obstacle in itself, maybe a clash of personalities or something.
I can cut some more words:?After his daughter is stillborn, a wizard has three days to enlist a necromancer to resurrect her and break the family curse killing female children.?
If the idea is that the necromancer is reluctant for some reason then you could add retired to describe him/her, or something to indicate that the necromancer is reluctant.
Personally, I would have the daughter about to be born rather than need resurrection. Him having to remove the curse before his daughter’s birth gives you a time limit and personal stakes. Also, maybe I am reading it wrong, but why remove the curse if a wizard can resurrect people from the dead?
So I’d write it “When he discovers his unborn child is to be a girl, a wizard must track down and capture the villainous necromancer to remove?a curse that’s killing his female offspring”
Now, you can use the 0-8 month period to setup the world and the wizard’s worry etc, then only in the last month can a wizard determine gender and then he must go and return before the child is born.
Hope that helps
?When he discovers his unborn child is to be a girl, a wizard must track down and capture the villainous necromancer to remove?a curse that?s killing his female offspring?
Interesting idea. However, in your post you say the wizard can resurrect people, but that’s the point of the story: he can’t, so he has to get someone’s help. And in your suggestion, at least in any story I’ve read, necromancers can only deal with people who are already dead, which means that cursing someone living is out of their power(so just replace necromancer with sorcerer, wizard, whatever). Unless it’s different in Lorato’s version.
As to whether the daughter is dead/about to be born, I don’t think it matters much. The stakes are the same: can he save his daughter-and somehow by extension-and the rest of his female bloodline? I can only take a guess that Lorato’s idea is that the resurrection is very thing which breaks the curse.
Anyway, I hope this helps.
Creative spaces ?are indeed the way to go. Thank you all creatives for your reviews, you have helped tremendously. ?After your last notes I had to make some serious adjustments to the screenplay which by the way I have completed. I heard about this website after I wrote my screenplay ?which became even more helpful because your notes to the logline helped me improve the screenplay. I am glad you ?love this latest version and I will be sure to make the necessary changes and cut down on words like you suggested. thank you tons again.