Samurai
Posted: 2016-07-03T01:55:41+10:00 In:

After losing her step father, a young women, now determined to find her birth parents is targeted by a deadly alien species, who turns out might just be family.

After losing her step father, a young women, now determined to find her birth parents is targeted by a deadly alien species, who turns out might just be family.
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    2 Reviews

    1. Uberwriter

      “After losing her step father, a young women, now determined to find her birth parents is targeted by a deadly alien species, who turns out might just be family.”

      -Why wouldn’t she want to find her birth parents before? Did she not know? How does losing her step father cause her to look for her birth parents?
      And as dpg said, use the hook to it’s full advantage.

      Example:?When a dying alien claims to be related to her, a young woman searches his advanced ship to find clues?about the aliens who are her parents.?(~27 words)
      This of course leaves out the being targeted part. But that’s not the hook. The hook is that she is related to this species.

      So:
      -What is her goal? To find her real parents.
      -How does she go about doing this?
      You don’t say.
      Are her parents aliens? Is one parent human and the other alien?

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    2. Singularity

      So, it’s about the a young woman whose objective goal is to find her birth parents. Okay.

      And then along comes this alien species that “targets her”. ?What does that mean? ?They kidnap her? ?Try to kill her? ?Why ?of all the 8 billion people on the planet are they interested in her? ?The threat needs to be clarified. ?And so does the reason.

      “Who turns out might just be family” ? Is that the reason: ?she’s genetically related to them? ?Again, a logline reader is likely to expect ?that is the case. What else can “might just be family” mean?

      Now, either the script delivers on that expectation or it doesn’t. ? If it doesn’t, the reader will not be a happy camper and the script is DOA. ?If it is, say it loud, say it clear because that’s the story hook. ?A story hook is not something to hide or bury in a logline. ?It needs to be dangled out there just like fish hook to get a producer or director’s attention, get them to bite and read the script.

      What’s the story hook? ?What is the bait on that hook designed to lure someone into reading the script?

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