After losing his daughter to a horrific incident a troubled rock star forms an unlikely bond with a neglected child , changing both of their lives forever.
kikee311Penpusher
After losing his daughter to a horrific incident a troubled rock star forms an unlikely bond with a neglected child , changing both of their lives forever.
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My two cents for the next attempt…
>> a horrific incident
Is this necessary for the logline? Losing her seems bad enough.
>> a troubled
Was he troubled before the loss of his daughter? He already has the issue of grief so is a notable flaw also needed in the logline? Or if he’s troubled because of the loss, then cut it as it’s assumed. If it remains, be specific. Alcoholic? Bankrupt? Fading?
Does the rock star really meet the kid soon after the loss of his daughter? If no, if it’s recent backstory, clarify it; for example, “Still grieving after the loss…” If it’s further back, there’s likely no need to say anything other than his trouble and we assume he doesn’t have kids by bonding with her.
>> forms an unlikely bond
Replace with how or where they spend time together and this will help paint the mental picture. We understand they’re an unlikely pair so no need to say it.
>> with a neglected child,
Vague. Amongst many things, this could mean she lives nearby in his gated community and her parents neglect her or she’s from a poor area with a single mother who neglects her. Mention the age as the story with a 5 year-old is different than one with an 11 year-old.
>> changing both of their lives forever.
Cut, assumed.
>>> changing both of their lives forever.
Will and Marcus form an unlikely bond in “About a Boy”, changing both of their lives forever.
Sally? and Harry form an unlikely bond in “When Harry Met Sally” , changing both of their lives forever.
Annie and Alvey form an unlikely bond in “Annie Hall”, changing both of their lives forever.
Lisbeth and Mikael form an unlikely bond in “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo”, changing both of their lives forever.
Change is a standard aspect of dramatic relationships.? What is of dramatic interest is not that the bond is some vague “unlikely” and? that their lives are “changed forever” in some undefined way.? A logline needs to be specific with the what and the how . What is unique about the bonding in this story, the “changed forever”? that differentiates it from all the other stories about relationships where two “Odd Couple” people bond and as a result their lives are “changed forever”?
Look to highlight conflict in the relationship, in case the other adjustments don?t do it. His grief may make him unwilling to help anyone at this time, it may be the particular trouble,? something on the kid’s side, etc.
Your logline kind of answers its own question.
Man loses his daughter, Man form bonds with a neglected kid, problem solved.
Because your logline answers its own question, there is no conflict, and story is conflict.
What is the dramatic conflict that needs to be resolved in your story?
Good points above>
How old was the daughter he lost? Agree, doesn’t matter how she died only that it was unexpected. And age of boy is important here too to give real picture..
Rockstar troubled by gambling? alcohol? failure? Similar childhood with the boy? Maybe the the boy was a friend of his daughter’s who is lost without her??
Maybe this boy is an illegitimate child he didn’t know about that gets dumped on him?
Maybe this child is the son of a groupie who keeps following him around.
Maybe this child helps him write real music again, Maybe they write together.
This has a lot of scope – relationships are what makes us want to watch and children can always make it more heartfelt.