Logliner
Posted: 2020-01-08T03:06:51+10:00 In:

After the tragic death of her husband, a single mother must fight to protect her disabled son and a sacred family emblem from a mysterious woman who wants to kill her.

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    3 Reviews

    1. This sounds like a yummy mystery! Specificity will help to tighten your concept here. For example, what is the sacred family emblem? Did she always know about the emblem and that it?s sacred? And how does it relate to the son or the husband?s tragic death?

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    2. Singularity

      Why does the single mother have to protect her disabled son if the mysterious woman wants to kill her? Surely she needs to be protecting herself?

      Why does the mysterious woman want to kill her in the first place?

      The death of her husband is not the inciting incident here (as it currently stands). That’s merely part of the world in which the plot takes place. There’s no connection between the death of her husband and the mysterious woman. The inciting incident must relate to the goal.

      We NEED to understand what this sacred emblem is all about. The story is identical without it, so why include it? If it’s important, tell us why.

      All of the elements in a logline (and the story) must tie together in some way and currently, I don’t feel like this does. That’s not to say it doesn’t in your head, but based on this logline alone, I’m a little confused what the connection is. I feel like you’re burying the hook perhaps…

      I’m sure there’s a good story in here so keep going.

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    3. Singularity

      As mikepedley said.?

      The objective goal seems to be out of alignment with the threat.? The logline says her life is in danger — but focuses on her disabled son and the sacred family emblem.? It doesn’t explicitly say the villain wants the emblem or kill her son — so why does the it lead off with them instead of her?

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