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Posted: 2016-08-15T17:26:14+10:00 In:

An ambivalent young man witnesses his father’s death by the hand of his friend, fifteen years later, the young man must stop the friend, who escapes from an asylum, and protect the girl he loves.

An ambivalent young man witnesses his father’s death by the hand of his friend, fifteen years later, the young man must stop the friend, who escapes from an asylum, and protect the girl he loves.
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    3 Reviews

    1. Ambivalent towards what? And why must he protect the girl he loves? Does the ‘friend’ have a grudge against the family? If so, why would she be in danger?

      Also, I suggest changing “death” to “murder” for extra clarity, and it should be “at the hand of his friend”.

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    2. Singularity

      He witness the guy kill his father — and he’s ambivalent???

      >>>must stop the friend
      From doing what?

      >>>and protect the girl he loves.
      Why is her life in danger?

      >>>escapes from an asylum
      Why an asylum and not a prison?

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    3. Singularity

      Agreed with Moses and DPG, much about this doesnt make sense.

      You’ve posted various iterations of this concept already, but it still seems to have similar problems as the previous versions.

      If the inciting incident is a psychotic killer being released, then the murder back story need not be mentioned. Problem is that the murderer’s release is far less impactful than his father being killed. Therefore the motivation for the mc to take action doesn’t stack up.

      I think you should re consider the inciting incident and how it motivates the character.

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