An arrogant, popular high school bully discovers ? but can?t control ? strengthening-yet-unpredictable powers and is branded an outcast which compels him to work with a coven of gay and lesbian teen witches to uncover a conspiracy that threatens their town.
Marcello LanfranchiLogliner
An arrogant, popular high school bully discovers ? but can?t control ? strengthening-yet-unpredictable powers and is branded an outcast which compels him to work with a coven of gay and lesbian teen witches to uncover a conspiracy that threatens their town.
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I can understand that a bully would be feared. ?But popular???
And what are the “unpredictable powers”? ?As the plot pivots on that piece of script “magic”, it needs to be spelled out.
Also, if the guy is the protagonist shouldn’t the conspiracy be his agenda — not the coven? ?IOW: he proactively recruits them to support his agenda, rather than they get him involved in theirs. Which means, of course, that he uncovers the conspiracy.
Anyway, after the conspiracy is uncovered–then what? ? Isn’t that just one step towards the real objective goal? ?Isn’t the dramatic necessity to defeat the conspiracy — not merely expose it? ?Isn’t that the real objective goal?
And what are the stakes? ?What is the exact threat to the town? Again, the logline needs to be specific.
Superpowers still isn’t specific enough. ?Superman and Spiderman have superpowers — but not the same superpowers. ?What makes your character’s superpowers different from theirs?
>>But if I spell out what it is in the logline, there?s no mystery to the audience. How can I address that concern?
The mystery lies in not what the conspiracy is about — what it aims to achieve — but who is ultimately behind it. ?Which can be ?the ?3rd Act Big ?Reveal.?Meanwhile, your challenge is to get movie makers to read the script to find out what the Big Reveal is.
A logline is a sales tool. ? You’re trying to persuade someone to invest millions of dollars and years of their lives in making your script into a film. ?In order to do that, you have to give them enough bait in the logline to bite — to read the script.. ?And in your story, the bait is the exact nature of the protagonists superpowers and the exact nature of the conspiracy.
?If you don’t put out the bait, they won’t bite.
Just saying.
Yup too wordy.
I believe that you’re trying to cram too much information into one little logline.
Here is a quick break down of your concept, according to what my puny human brain can comprehend:
MC – popular student
MC flaw – arrogant
Inciting incident – electrical accident
Goal – Save the town.
The biggest problem with these elements is the lack of a clear cause and effect relationship between the inciting incident and goal.
How does this accident relate to the town being in danger? ?Was it caused but he same individual or force of nature? If so this needs to be described in the logline, i.e:
After a military?experiment causes an electrical overload in a small town, an arrogant high school jock gains the ability to control electricity he must use his new found powers to save the town from a larger experiment the military is planning.
>>>How would you describe Superman?s and Spider-Man?s superpowers in a logline?
Don’t have to because they are well-known characters based on popular comic strip heroes that have been parlayed into lucrative film franchises.
Your character is an unknown. ?To get your script read, ?you have to describe his superpowers ?– what differentiates him from other super heroes. ?
And you are writing this as an origin story for a franchise, aren’t you? ?(If you aren’t, you should be. Because scripts with franchise potential are easier to sell.)
And to sell your script, the character needs to be proactive, in the drivers seat of the plot. ?That means the coven doesn’t enlist his help to defeat the conspiracy. ?He discovers the conspiracy and enlists their help. ?As currently written, your logline suggests that this potential super hero, in spite of his undefined superpowers, is utterly clueless about the conspiracy.
I’m not saying he should be in complete control of his abilities from the FADE IN. ?But the logline has to suggest latent potential. ? And the way to do that is he discovers the conspiracy because of his superpowers. ?Of course, no normal person believes him. ?So he enlists the coven as allies, and struggles to master his superpower in time to defeat the conspiracy.
fwiw
Series are best pitched with the pilot, as such you need to structure a logline for the first episode, then if a producer wants to know more you can go into further detail of the seasonal narrative.
When it comes to super powers, in a hypothetical situation, I would describe super man’s powers as flight and strength. Obviously his super powers have become more complex since his character was first written, but the same elements of pragmatism apply – the particular aspect of the powers that will enable the character to overcome his major obstacle.
It’s hard to place the genre and plot in the current draft of the logline which makes the concept confusing, this is because you have multiple trendy topics and agendas – gay/lesbian, witches and wizards, super heroes and high school pecking orders. I suggest pick one of these ad focus on that as the genre, then re consider the main character description as he still comes across as unlikable.
It’s hard for me to make suggestions due to the lack of detail and genre confusion.
I agree that even though the concept is for a series, the logline should describe a plot for the pilot episode.
You obviously disagree about my suggestion that the logline ?would be more effective with a clear description of the superpowers. ?Good luck, if that’s the way you want to do it. ?(IMHO , you’ll need it.)