An immortal warrior-princess from another universe unexpectedly falls in love with a human boy while hunting the shapechanger that murdered her parents.
Chris AndrewsPenpusher
An immortal warrior-princess from another universe unexpectedly falls in love with a human boy while hunting the shapechanger that murdered her parents.
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It’s a promising logline. I believe there will be quite some excitement in this story but you can make it clearer and more concise.
First off, leave out ‘unexpectedly’ as every inciting incident in every successful movie is unexpected.
“An immortal warrior-princess from another universe” sounds cluttered. What is essential and most appealing to the concept? I would say: that she is immortal and a princess.
“while hunting the shapechanger that murdered her parents.” really only says something about that inciting incident. It doesn’t give us much clarity about the story that will follow.
We need to know whether this is going to be primarily a revenge story, a love story or still something else. So give us an idea what will be the obstacles after she falls in love – and what her main goal/action/plan will be.
Thank you Karel. I’ll definitely shorten the first part and aim to focus the second part a little better.
Much appreciated.
It would be easy enough to do what Karel suggests if you just change the structure a little.
For example… “While hunting the shape-shifter that killed her parents an immortal Princess from another universe falls in love with a human boy (who must choose/who must help/who is forbidden/)… etc” this way it also highlights what the human boys role is in the film as well as his relationship to her.
But I think it sounds like a really interesting idea. good work
I like the concept. I’ve been working on taking concepts and creating a coherant logline, too. But the concept here has promise.
Most has been commented on already but in case this helps as well.
It is a bit confusing as to how the daughter of a dead couple can be immortal? Although fantasy allows for such logic leaps through the specific mechanics of an alternate reality it may be best left out of the logline.
May be good to clarify the type of story being either revenge or love based and accordingly change the order of the logline.
If it is a revenge story then perhaps start with the inciting incident such as the parents murder and then bring in the hero giving chase imbuing her with motivation to clash with the antagonist. In which case maybe don’t mention the love interest, which could very well be the B plot.
EG: When her parents murderer is at large a warrior princes seeks revenge throughout the universe etc?
If it is a love story then start with the inciting incident of meeting the boy and only insinuate the revenge B plot if at all.
Hope this helps, Nir.
When I first read this logline I thought it was going to be a comedy/fantasy. My problem is I’m still not sure what type of film it is. Also I can’t pinpoint the conflict here. So what if she unexpectedly falls in love? How does it relate to her quest.
There are good elements to the logline but it is not highlighting a clear story.
Thanks James, really apprecicat the feedback. Working hard on fixing it up.
C
Thanks Nir. I agree, it’s a little confusing as to whether it’s predominately a revenge story or a romance. Still trying to nut that out myself. As to how immortals can be killed – happens in fantasy all the time (Highlander, Lord of the Rings, and squillions more). Not sure if I can work that into the logline, but I’m not sure it’s confusing enough to leave it out either. See what others say. Either way, thanks for the pointer. Appreciate it.
Cheers
C
Thanks cicpices. I’ll try and make it a bit clearer.
Cheers
C