An interstellar hitman is forced together with an intrepid, young archeologist in a race against a ruthless mercenary group to find the legendary fortune of an ancient civilization.
mac17Penpusher
An interstellar hitman is forced together with an intrepid, young archeologist in a race against a ruthless mercenary group to find the legendary fortune of an ancient civilization.
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Lots of problems, beginning with the akward wording.? Better to say, hitman and archeologist.
I saw the earlier post, and original log line, so I know?you’ve done a ton of development on this. ?With both this new version, and the previous version it feels like you have a lot going on in the story. ?It’s a big story, so you want to tell us about the big pieces. ?But I think from the start you’ve been telling us too much. ?This is a journey story. ?He needs money, lots of it, and is on a quest to get it. ?Big bad guys are in the way. ?While I’m certain the archeologist plays a key roll in the script, it’s likely the B story love interest. ?With this much going on, try just focusing on the A story.
As mentioned above there are lots of problems with this logline, so I’ll try to tackle a few key points.
The MC sounds passive as he is forced to join with someone else and forced on a journey, better if he is powerfully motivated to need the his ally and need to go on the journey on his own accord instead.
There is no inciting incident in the logline, what was the event that motivated him to go after the fortune?
If his goal is to find the fortune, why are a group of mercenaries going to get in his way? Perhaps a rival treasure hunter would make more sense.
Consider Raiders of the Lost Ark, Indiana had a rival archeologist searching for the ark who teamed up with the Nazi’s. This plot devise was a great way to introduce a huge obstacle for Indiana, the obstacle makes sense as the Nazi’s want the same as the archeologist do only for different reasons.
What is the equivalent in your story that makes the mercenaries need to find the fortune?
Essentially it’s a story of a treasure hunt in outer space: an odd couple must partner up to find a legendary fortune before some one else does.
Unlike the version 1.0, there is now a rival for the loot which should increase dramatic tension and suspension. ?That’s an improvement.
My problem concerns the stakes: ?these days, finding or stealing money or treasure for the sake of the loot is never enough in a movie. ?The principal characters want the money all right– but they also want to use the heist or hunt as a means to accomplish ?something else.
It seems to me that something more than mere greed for gain should be at stake.
Take “Ocean’s Eleven” (version 2.0). ?Danny Ocean hasn’t taken a vow of poverty. ?Nor has the man staking Danny, Ruben Tishkoff. ?Both also want more than just the money. ?Ruben wants revenge on Terry Benedict for muscling Ruben out of his casino and then blowing it up. ?Danny wants to win back his ex, Tess. who is now Benedict’s trophy girlfriend.
So, it seems to me, there needs to be something more at stake than the merely the satisfaction of greed in this story. ?What, I dunno. ?Although the Indiana Jones movies show how treasure hunts can have bigger and more socially redeemable stakes than mere greed.