A young orphan boy in India receives a letter through which it is revealed that he has inherited some treasure which has been lying buried in his ancestral home in Pakistan. When he illegally reaches there he finds out that this old dilapidated burnt down house is now a terrorist camp .
tosbro84Logliner
A young orphan boy in India receives a letter through which it is revealed that he has inherited some treasure which has been lying buried in his ancestral home in Pakistan. When he illegally reaches there he finds out that this old dilapidated burnt down house is now a terrorist camp .
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This reads like a good setup, but what is his objective goal as a result of it?
His actions are what’s going to make this an interesting story, so best focus on his actions and goal – the essentials for a plot.
“A young orphan boy in India receives a letter through which it is revealed that he has inherited some treasure which has been lying buried in his ancestral home in Pakistan. When he illegally reaches there he finds out that this old dilapidated burnt down house is now a terrorist camp .”
I agree with savinh’s points, especially about the logline not conveying the tone and genre of the story. Please review the Formula tab at the top of the page for general information on forming a standard logline.
Usually it is best to describe the personality traits of a character, and even better to describe a flaw which will create an obstacle to achieving their goal. Or a skill which would make it believable that they can. “young” and other age descriptors tell us nothing about the plot or the character. As a result of receiving this letter, what does he have to do? What is his goal?
I think you have the inciting incident wrong. The real story begins when he finds his home destroyed. That is a more interesting story to me. What happens after that? What goal does he pursue?
Example:?After he finds his ancestral home and inheritance taken over by terrorists, a shy orphan must infiltrate their compound to take back the last remnants of his family’s history. (29)
Just an example.
“Young orphan boy” is a much better description for a logline than just a simple name.
But I don’t understand how the “comedy” genre matches with your logline.
Also, your hero doesn’t have any clear goal after finding out that his house is now a terrorist camp.
You have to be specific about three things in your logline: the inciting incident, your main character and your story goal.