Idea
KnightriderMentor
An out-for-himself and talented brain hacker, who sells off stolen ideas and concepts to large conglomerates, is hired to escort a scientist, who holds the key to clean energy in her head, to open source rebels so she can provide the idea free to all humanity.
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The story is implied here. The hacker is the kind of person that would steal the idea and sell it. But what makes the journey so tough. If we don?t assume a story it reads like an Uber trip.
I would also shorten the character description. Think of a single word then describes chunks of what you have.
A brain hacker that sells stolen memories and ideas…. this sort of person is always out for themselves, if they weren?t that would be different.
Hope this helps.
Why him?
(I mean he seems like the last person they would want helping the scientist since he is a brain thief and all… unless of course there was some event, some plot point that forces the lead character to help the scientist…)
If he’s selfish and greedy, what’s his motivation for helping her?? Why would he not exploit the opportunity for the biggest cash pay off of his larcenous life? They can’t be paying him more than he could make by stealing and selling the idea.
Agreed with the others.
This is also too wordy and complex to work well as a logline.
One logic flaw is that he doesn’t come across as necessarily a good option to escort anyone. He’s a hacker and won’t necessarily be able to stop bad guys closing in on her, if anything, he would be needed after she is delivered.
It also seems like she has the greater stake and, in my mind, makes for a more interesting main character. What if she hires him to help her upload the technology to open source platforms but is caught by the big bad corporate and they both have to fight to get to safety with the rebels.
When a selfish mind-hacker is hired to extract a world revolutionary invention from a scientist, he must choose between betraying her and untold riches or love and helping the disfranchised.
The conflict is now told.
I have assumed that there was a love story there and a clear choice to make for the hero.
>>? he must choose between betraying
It is a good thing when a protagonist faces an authentic dramatic dilemma, one that hangs over the character like the sword of Damocles, that he must finally confront and resolve at the climax in the 3rd Act.?
But a logline is about the external, objective conflict that occurs because of a decision the protagonist makes in the 1st Act.? It is not about deciding whether and when to decide because of a dilemma that engenders internal, subjective conflict that he won’t finally resolve until the 3rd Act.?
And if it’s a dilemma that is raised by the inciting incident and after some debate and hesitation (standard issue beats, btw) and? resolved at the end of Act 1 by the choice he makes — well, the story as framed in the logline is over with.? He’s made his choice.? ?So obviously the plot is not and cannot be about deciding to decide:? it’s about the action that follow as a result of a decision made.
Also loglines that frame the story in terms of a dilemma, a hard choice that has to eventually be made, are implicit spoilers.? Because they give away exactly what the protagonist will choose to do.? We know darn well that unless the protagonist is a? moral scumbag, he will later or sooner make the right choice: love and helping the disenfranchised.? (If he is an irredeemable moral scumbag, the script is DOA — nobody will want to film it, nobody will want to watch it.)?
Framed as a choice to be made, there’s no suspense as to the outcome; the logline telegraphs the answer to the question it poses.? And a logline shouldn’t send telegrams.