Penpusher
Posted: 2018-03-03T13:08:30+10:00 In:

An outcast sea snail goes against his predatorial upbringing to find a new life with his biological rivals; the soldier crabs.

An outcast sea snail goes against his predatorial upbringing to find a new life with his biological rivals; the soldier crabs.
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    5 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      This is all set-up

      What is your lead characters goal?

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    2. Singularity

      Agreed with Richiev.

      Also, why? What’s motivating him to do this?

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    3. Uberwriter

      You might need a goal an and obstacle. But wil high concept loglines that sometimes isn?t needed.

      The winner of a recent Logline competition was ?A man clones his wife so he can fall in love with her again?.

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    4. Penpusher

      As a revision:

      After an altercation with his father, an outcast sea snail goes against his predatorial upbringing to find a new life with his biological rivals; the soldier crabs.

      Is this addition making the logline stronger or weaker?

      Thanks so much for everyone’s feedback.

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    5. Singularity

      You didn’t add the major story elements we recommended. Study the comments above, and perhaps other posts on this site, to get a better understanding of what we’re talking about.

      In short, a logline needs to describe a plot. A plot is a sequence of events that starts at the inciting incident and ends with a goal. “…an altercation with his father…” could be an inciting incident, but in this case it isn’t directly related to his goal (which is also too vague to count as a goal by the way), that makes it not part of the same sequence of events – in other words, this isn’t a very good inciting incident.

      What does “…find a new life…” mean in rpractical terms? A new house? New friends? Be more specific.

      Consider Nemo, after a little argument with his father he’s whisked away, by accident, far from his home. The inciting incident was not the argument with his father but getting lost was. As a result of getting lost, his father had to go on a quest — all together now — Finding Nemo.

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