Logliner
Posted: 2017-08-29T21:49:40+10:00 In:

An uptight business man races against the clock to find a way out of purgatory or risks to lose his life.

An uptight business man races against the clock to find a way out of purgatory or risks to lose his life.
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    5 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      Foxtrot 25’s rewrite is definitely an improvement.

      My tweak: ?When an overworked Grim Reaper mistakenly sends an overworked business man…

      Play on the parallel irony. ?The ?Grim Reaper uses the same excuse to neglect remedying the business man’s predicament, as the business man does in neglecting a predicament he has created for his family. ?What goes around comes around.

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    2. Uberwriter

      This:?An uptight business man that neglects his family

      just doesn’t go well with this:?winds up in the land of the dead and must find a way out or risks losing his life.

      What does 1 have to do with the other?

      A busy Grim Reaper mistakenly sends a overworked ?business man to the land of the dead where he must find a way out and back to his family before a portal seals forever.

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    3. Logliner

      Hi All,

      Thank you all for reviewing my logline.
      Due to your questions I can make up the logline is not clear, hopefully?you can help me making a good logline. 🙂
      My question is actually does it really need to be a human, alien or monster? Can the antagonist also be a thing? Like a land or time?

      Herewith ?a little background on the story.
      This is a harsh and uptight business man who neglects his family because he is to involved with his business.
      By accident the grim reaper takes him to the land of the dead, it is not scary land its actually a world where there is normal life.
      In this land he runs into ?persons and things and need to learn about the real values of life.

      So here a revised logline:
      An uptight business man that neglects his family winds up in the land of the dead and must find a way out or risks losing his life.

      I hope to hear you soon!

      Kind Regards,

      Aschwin

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    4. Uberwriter

      But who is he really battling in your story? There should be some humanized figure that he must interact with to eventually beat in the end.

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    5. Singularity

      I’m no authority on Catholic theology, but isn’t the very fact that he’s in purgatory mean he’s already dead — he’s already lost his life?

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