Approaching middle age and divorced; a British IT professional needs more fun injecting into his life. After moving to Bangkok and working as a teacher, he faces an overdose of funny situations.
NaiBKKLogliner
Approaching middle age and divorced; a British IT professional needs more fun injecting into his life. After moving to Bangkok and working as a teacher, he faces an overdose of funny situations.
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I think the logline is beginning to improve,
The next step to making the logline better would be to answer the question “Why now?”
Why does the lead move to Bangkok now instead of last year or next year.
What event prompted him to see his life needed a change?
If you add the ‘why now’ to the logline it will improve.
A logline should be as clear and concise as you can possible get it. Take Richiev’s advice and also try to merge the sentences into one about 20-30 words and clearly tell your story.
The first sentence can be cut from the logline – it’s back story and is not relevant to the plot.
Then, as mentioned above, describe the inciting incident that motivates him to move. Secondly, and most importantly, what is his specific goal? What MUST he achieve in his move? If it’s more fun, then describe what that means in practical terms.
Lastly, best to avoid vague description such as “…overdose of funny situations?”. Unless you describe the details of the plot, you’re asking the reader to come up with them for you – the point of a logline is for you to inform the reader not the other way around.