Penpusher
Posted: 2021-10-09T03:27:20+10:00 In:

As a compulsive gambler watches a game that could erase his huge debt to a dangerous bookie, he thinks about how he got to this point and everything he has at stake.

Title: Gamble

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    4 Reviews

    1. Logliner

      “compulsive gambler” = protagonist
      “watches a game” = inciting incident
      “erase his huge debt” = story goal
      “a dangerous bookie” = villain

      All the key ingredients for a logline are here, yet something feels missing. And it might be in the sentence “.. thinks about how he got to this point …”

      Nothing is more boring for audiences, than to watch a character sit there – thinking. Film Directors shout ACTION! for a reason, and it’s because a character’s action, is (yes, you guessed it) an expression of CHARACTER.

      So, the question is, what is our gambler friend going to do? Run, hide, rob a bank, murder a loved one … it’s your story, you decide, but what they do, determines who they are. Courageous or weak? Smart or dumb? Honest or Dishonest? These are the qualities which will fate the character. And more importantly, determine the story’s character arc.

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    2. Penpusher

      Hi John – great story idea! I agree with Philippe that the ingredients are there but the hook is missing. Right off the bat “watches” is kind of a vanilla verb. If you keep this logline, maybe a more vivid verb is in order? Also, I assume he’s playing, not watching? Also for the adjective, compulsive, my head jumps right to “degenerate gambler that’s destroyed his life and those around him” so if that is not the character you are going for, you may want to take another look. If he’s caution to the wind, maybe “reckless” or if he’s actually good at it, maybe find something to show that?

      I get that you are trying to portray the story is being told in flashbacks but maybe that is not necessary for the logline? Maybe try and do the logline in linear format and then use the flashbacks as storytelling mechanisms in the screenplay?

      Here’s a quick-take:
      As a lifetime of self-inflicted debt catches up to him, a degenerate gambler goes all in (insert: at the card table (maybe)) to clear his name from a homicidal bookie.

      Is that helpful?

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