Astrolia: When a man goes missing on an archaeological dig his brilliant but narrow-minded niece discovers his secret double life and her own connection to an ancient prophecy in a world she never knew existed.
Ivy_WatersPenpusher
Astrolia: When a man goes missing on an archaeological dig his brilliant but narrow-minded niece discovers his secret double life and her own connection to an ancient prophecy in a world she never knew existed.
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I see a female Indiana Jones and I like it
“This is the set up, the story would be what she does when she finds out she is prophecy girl”
>>If this were for a movie I would agree, however this is for a series and covers the main arc for the first season.
Okay, but ?the logline should indicate the initial objective goal of the protagonist. ?And a pursuit of that objective goal that boots up in the pilot episode.
For example, after he is diagnosed with a fatal cancer, Walter White’s objective goal is to earn enough money by cooking crystal to provide for his family after his death. ?That’s the story hook planted in the pilot episode.
And then complications ensue.
IOW: ?the overall arc of the 1st season is not a matter of the plot drift, the character being carried along by events. ?Rather, The arc of the 1st season is character driven, which is to say it is determined by the objective goal she decides to pursue.
I’m guessing your current logline contains the ?end of season one Big Discovery– her own prophetic destiny. Which I presume that you intend to be the story hook for selling the series. ?Well, her prophetic destiny is vague; ?it could be any one of ?1,001 items on a plot menu. ?Which is ?one is it that differentiates it from all the other plot possibilities?
Also, what producers are looking for in a logline is a concept that hooks the audience in the pilot episode, not a Big Reveal that comes at the end of ?the 1st season. ?
So ?what’s the hook in the pilot episode?
What must she do when her uncle disappears? ?The operative word is “must”. ?It can’t be something she casually pursues or accidentally stumbles into. ? In the pilot episode she MUST begin to pursue an objective goal. ?That an audience must tune in episode after episode to see what happens next.
fwiw
>>Actually, your guess is incorrect. The discovery is actually the catalyst for the rest of the season and is revealed in episode 2 which is the second half of the pilot.
Okay. What part of the discovery is revealed in the pilot episode? ?That he’s living a double life? Or her own connection to an ancient prophecy? ?Both?
I still think the logline needs a polish. ?However, if this version gets the read and sold, then mission accomplished and I’ll be happy to have been proven wrong.
>>>based on a novel that I decided not to publish
If the novel were published that could be an even more effective promotion than a logline.
Just saying.
Another thing you could do to polish this logline: A logline should be written from one point of view, You begin from the uncles point of view then switch to the Nieces point of view.
Here would be an example of beginning your logline from the point of view of the lead character
—–
“When her uncle goes missing while on a dig, a brilliant but narrow-minded archaeology student must…” (Then tell us what path this event sets into motion for the lead character)
—–
The description of each element must be heavily pregnant with information for a logline to be effective, yet there is a severe lack of detail in this logline.
Here is an example: “…When a man goes missing…” means very little when first read as it describes half the human race. Later in the logline it’s revealed that this is, in fact, the uncle of the protagonist. Why not describe him as who he is i.e; After her uncle goes missing…
The lack of clarity aside, the plot is vague – what does she do? What is the MC’s goal after the uncle goes missing she needs to act but it isn’t clear, from the logline, what her action will be. All story mediums film, TV and web series need a main character in pursuit of a goal, what’s hers?