A desperate financier checks into an exclusive? but secluded 5-star hotel in order to woo an eccentric billionaire investor, but finds himself haunted by the ghost of an eight year old girl who begs him to take her ‘home’. Terrified of losing his deal, he begs for the help of a beautiful but devious spiritualist in order to keep him safe while he seals the deal of a lifetime.
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I like the premise, and I can imagine (or at least I think I can) where the story is headed. Now you need to condense the logline down to its essentials. Try to get it under 40 words.? Something like:
When a hapless financier is haunted by the ghost of a little girl while working the deal of a lifetime, a beguiling spiritualist tells him he must first help the child return home. (33 words)
I think the main problem is that the ghost isn’t much of an obstacle yet.? Is the ghost’s company even a bad thing?? I see you mention the ghost wanting to come home is the inciting incident that starts a chain of events, but I don’t think the “how” is important for the inciting incident… just a plausible “what happens” that’s ultimately the problem.
Back in time
A hapless financier checks into an exclusive? 5-star hotel in order to woo a billionaire investor, but finds himself haunted by the ghost of a eight year old girl shrieking to be taken back ?home?. Terrified of losing the deal and his sanity, he begs for the help of a beautiful but treacherous spiritualist while he seals the deal of a lifetime.
???