Based on real events, in 1984, when a black, gay political activist is arrested, facing painful rejection from within his own party, the death penalty and HIV; he lobbies the ANC to include a clause to the new Constitution, making it the first and only African nation to ban discrimination based on same-sex sexual orientation.
GStarLogliner
Based on real events, in 1984, when a black, gay political activist is arrested, facing painful rejection from within his own party, the death penalty and HIV; he lobbies the ANC to include a clause to the new Constitution, making it the first and only African nation to ban discrimination based on same-sex sexual orientation.
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The purpose of a logline is not to tell a story, but to sell? a story. ? ?To sell a story in a logline does not require cramming in every major story beat and feature. ?So at 55 words, this logline is too long, has too many moving parts to grasp in 10-15 seconds.
All those moving parts ?may make for a great script and film. — lots of action, complications, trailer-moments. Great! ?But in writing a logline you have to pare the story down to the single most important element, the one that is most likely to hook and hold ?attention.
So what is your story hook? ?What is the single ?most important aspect in the story that is most likely to hook and hold a movie maker’s attention, whet his appetite for the script? ?A hook that can be read in 10-15 seconds?
For me the hook of your story is:
The true story of the South African, Black, gay activist with AIDS who came out of the closet to fight for a Constitutional ban on discrimination based on sexual orientation.
You don’t agree? ?Okay, it’s your story. ?Then strip everything out of your posted logline and lure me with your version of the story hook — in 30 words or less.
P.S. ?Anticipating one of your objections from the previous thread of discussion, yes, there’s no inciting incident in my version. ?IMHO the concept is strong enough to sell?without one.
I know. Heresy! ?Burn me at the stake on a pile of 1,001 rejected screenplays for kindling.
But I go back to first principles:
What is the purpose of a logline? ?The purpose?of a logline is to SELL, not tell.
What is the most important element in a logline? ?The most important element is the hook. (Or to mangle metaphors, a logline advertises the sizzle — not the steak.)
Now 96%+ of the time, the best way to sell is to include an inciting incident. And?96% of the time I?ding loglines that fail to have an inciting incident or an adequate one. ?So I am a certified True Believer in the necessity of an inciting incident as the norm.
But I also believe that rules are tools — not straight jackets into which every plot must be forced for no other reason than “that the rule.”
?There must always be an allowance for outliers. ?Which, by definition, are exceptions — rare exceptions — to the norm. And this story, imho, ?qualifies as an outlier.
IMHO
Agreed with DPG… almost.
Yes rules can be successfully broken, and in this instance it could work, but why? Why not increase the chances of selling the idea by inventing an inciting incident – there’s enough conflict to go around in this concept why not capitalize on it?
Yes, I hear you loud and clear – it didn’t happen in reality. That doesn’t mean it can’t happen in your story, and yes if you’re telling it this is your story not the real life character or his family’s.
Lastly, hone in one single goal, in the logline, what is his primary concern in this story? Is it gay rights? Is it racial discrimination? Is it the Aids epidemic? Instead of throwing a hand full of pebbles, hoping that one gets in the jar, focus your intention on the biggest subject matter and make? it move the reader.
I agree with the above comments. I just want to add something else: this is the only site that I’ve seen that pushes the idea that you need to include the inciting incident. Some other sites use examples with them, but then they have others without an inciting incident. I’ve just become curious why this seems to be the only place that seems to have declared them mandatory.
In response to Nir Shelter, though, it does seem as though Gstar is trying to adhere as closely to the actual events as possible, so it doesn’t seem like changing the story just to include an inciting incident just for the logline suits the goal.
I agree with Nir Shelter that a logline for this story should focus on one primary objective goal. ?I also agree –somewhat — with Dkpough1 on inciting incidents.
After several years of methodical, analytical study of loglines, including compiling a database of over 700 loglines for existing movies and doing over 3100 reviews here, I’ve come to the conclusion that the most important element, the sin qua non, ?is a great?hook.
And that, yes, most of the time, a logline should have an inciting incident. ?But not always. ?There can be rare exceptions. ?But there can be no exceptions about having a strong hook. ?A logline without a strong hook is DOA.
In the script, Gstar will have to include an inciting incident. ?Of course, ?But in the logline, I think the hook is strong enough to sell the story without extending the length of the logline to include the inciting incident.
However, if Gstar feels he must include an inciting incident, the entire length of the logline should not exceed 40 words. ?As I’ve mentioned before, in my database of 700+ ?loglines, there isn’t one that exceeds 40 words. ?So that’s my red line number: 40 words max. ?Which can be difficult to do — a frustrating constraint — but ?we live in an era of short attention spans. ?Movie makers want?concise loglines and IMHO it’s unrealistic and self-defeating to expect them to slog through more than 40 words.
I don’t disagree with you. I don’t think that you shouldn’t include an inciting incident, I just question how much it matters if you do. Either way, I usually form a logline before starting to outline, so it helps to include the inciting incident to give me as much of the story as possible.
I do agree that the hook is the essential part. Because that’s really what a logline is, telling what the story is about in order to sell it.
But the real question is whether something like:
A FBI profiler must use evidence from a fresh body to find?a cannibalistic serial killer before he kills again.
?or:
When a body is found with its organs cut out, a FBI profiler must use the clues to find the cannibalistic serial killer he’s been chasing.
Both are a rough idea of the Hannibal TV series, Both have the hook: the cannibalistic serial killer, Hannibal Lecter by name. ?Now, ignoring the fact that any story based on Hannibal Lecter would be sold on the fact that it’s a story about Hannibal Lecter, would the second one really be received better solely because of its inciting incident?
(I think I had something else to say, but I’ve forgotten now)
On another note, where do you find these loglines? Are they the official loglines actually used to sell the story?
Dkpough1:
I think either of your formulations work. ?The inciting incident is clearly implicit in your 1st version. ?Also, the standard formula of “When X happens, Y must struggle…” is occasionally more wordy, ?like 26 words versus 20 in your example. ?All other things being equal, I tilt in favor of brevity over conformity to a standard formulation.
My primary sources for collecting loglines for existing movies are the trade papers (Variety, The Hollywood Reporter), the New York Times and IMDB. ?They’re all essentially blurbs, not loglines. ?The former is designed to sell the movie to viewers; the latter is designed to sell the movie idea and script to movie makers. So, yeah, I have to massage the material, sometimes a lot (particularly with IMDB). ?But it’s been a fabulous way to learn the art and craft.
I started collecting and analyzing loglines for existing movies because: ?1] I have nothing better to do with my time (obviously). 2] Being more analytical than creative (you noticed that, too?), I wondered how valid the 25-words-or-less rule was. ?Is 25 a number someone just pulled out of a hat ?and it became the “industry wisdom”? ?Or is there a sound statistical basis for it?
Although I’m guessing the 25 number was arrived at by intuition, sure enough when I did the math I arrived at ?similar number. ?After collecting a sample of 200 loglines, I came up with a statistical median average of 24 words with a standard deviation of about 6 words, skewed ?toward above the average.
And those numbers and distribution has remained fairly stable ever since. So the takeaway is that 25 words is, indeed, ?a valid number. ?(And none of the 700+ loglines exceed 40 words which is the basis for my red line. I’m not just pulling the number 40 out of a hat.)
fwiw
While updating my database I tweaked the statistical readouts to include the average number of characters per logline.
The result: ?140 characters ?– the length of a twitter.
Hm, interesting. I was wondering because I’ve seen you mention your collection before, and I’ve never been able to find a place that has actual logline vs blurbs. However, I think found the actual logline used to sell the Hannibal TV series when I searched it for some guidance on a logline, which does indeed use the name Hannibal Lecter to sell it.
I guess you’re right that I did include the inciting incident in the first version. But you do bring up another point that the formula is also usually suggested(“Switch the order so the inciting incident as at the beginning”). Anyway, as a last statement I do recommend the Hannibal series.
Nir Shelter:
I don’t necessarily have an opinion either way. I think this idea is sold on the idea that’s a true story, and thus the logline doesn’t have to adhere as closely to logline conventions. I also think that he could add one-I’m not against the idea, I just think it might not be in service the story he’s trying to tell.
Either way, I think it works.