Logliner
Posted: 2017-10-03T00:16:41+10:00 In:

Two brothers struggle with forgiveness and loyalty when one takes revenge on the priest who wronged him in residential school only to realize he doesn’t get what he bargained for after inviting them back to the decrepit brick fortress one last time.  

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    2 Reviews

    1. Best Answer
      Singularity
      Agreed with DPG, and as usual, almost all noteworthy comments made, courtesy of international time zones, before we get to read the post…

      One other thing to think of is the dual protagonist plot – is it necessary for the story to work?

      If you can get away with one, I strongly — nay, very strongly — suggest you change it. It’s hard enough to write a story with one main character let alone two.

      Last thing, what did they actually survive? I get that the education system imposed by colonial governments was not fair, but the specific nature of their ordeal may add to the emotional stakes much like in Sleepers. In other words, if they were beaten or raped we could immediately empathize with their motivation with little explanation needed.

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    2. Best Answer
      Singularity

      >>>residential school

      I presume this refers to the regime of the Canadian government to forcibly indoctrinate indigenous North Americans in the ways of their European “conquistadors”.? Which is a certainly a topic worthy of dramatization.? (I grew up among Native Americans in the western USA who suffered the same “education”.)

      But….

      >>>Before they can heal
      Loglines are about objective goals, not the resolution of subjective issues. “Can heal” refers to subjective, emotional issues.? Which is part of the story arc in terms of their emotional journey.? But, again, loglines focus on objective issues, not subjective ones.

      Furthermore….

      >>>must decide whether to seek revenge, or accept the apology

      Loglines are not about the process of making a decision.? Loglines are about what action follows as a consequence of a decision made (by the end of the 1st Act).?

      Taken at face value, this logline means the whole 2nd Act — 60 pages of script, an hour of time — will be devoted to the two brothers deciding whether to act.? ?Now if this is exactly your intention, well, my response is:? how interesting is that, watching and waiting… watching and waiting… watching and waiting.,. for someone? in real life, let alone reel life, to make up their mind whether or not to do something?

      So what is the plot about?? What is the central conflict?? Does one brother accept the apology, take the money, while the other brother chooses to get revenge??

      And if one or both of the brothers seek revenge, that’s a vague intention, not a specific? dramatic goal.? There are 10,001+ ways of getting revenge.? Which one are the characters going to use?? The exact form of revenge needs to be fleshed out in the logline (and script) in terms of a specific objective goal, a specific course of action.??

      I suggest you take a look at the guidelines for writing an industry standard logline under “Formula” at the top of the page for this site and reformulate your logline accordingly.? As I said, it’s worthy topic but the concept needs focusing and polishing.

      fwiw.

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