Penpusher
Posted: 2013-08-01T11:56:31+10:00

Ben George is a shy freshman kid who's father works for NASA to support himself after his wife dies so Ben meets up with two juniors who bond with him and also help him work out his relationship with his father.

astronaut and son

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    2 Reviews

    1. Your logline paints a strange picture of the dad.

      He ‘took a job to support himself after his wife dies? So his wife was rich and he didn’t have to work before she died? Ok, that could happen.

      But the job he does “to support himself” is not waiting tables or at a car wash… it’s at NASA? So this guy is REALLY smart but he was married to a rich woman so he was loafing about wasting his talents until the day she died? Ok, I guess that could happen…

      But do you see the questions this logline is raising in my head? Those are not the kinds of questions you want to illicit. You want to give the reader a sense of a clear problem, a hero to solve it, a bad guy who wants to stop him, and the consequences if the hero fails. This will make the reader ask the question they are dying to know the answer to…what happens next? 🙂

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    2. Singularity

      >>Ben George

      You don’t need to name characters in a logline line. Indeed, the general rule is: don’t.

      >>works for NASA

      What has that got to do with any other element in the logline? It may be part of the story, but what purpose does it serve in a logline where every word should relate and tie together like links in chain?

      >>work out his relationship with his father

      Vague. And relates more to subjective issues than objective problems or goals.

      What is the kid’s specific, urgent objective goal?
      What is the inciting incident?

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