Fade Out
Desperate to be free of his well meaning but molly-coddling family, a fiesty free-spirited granddad fakes his own death – with unintended consequences.
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This sounds fun.
My main suggestion relates to the phrase “with unintended consequences.” It’s too general. I mean, isn’t that the unstated promise of every story? Otherwise, the story would be boring and predictable.
Personally, I’d switch that phrase with something that gives us a better idea of the conflict.
Spot on timmyelliot, thanks for that good feedback. What I’ve thought through the most, obviously, is the premise, which hopefully works. But the “unintended consequences” is much much too vague (a good lesson in the value of the logline in indicating where the gaps are).
So perhaps something like:
“Desperate to be free of his well meaning but molly-coddling family, a fiesty free-spirited granddad fakes his own death ? but with his family facing a crisis that only he can solve, staying dead won’t be easy”
Any thoughts? Thanks
To me the change sounds stronger. I would even clarify this part, “with his family facing a crisis that only he can solve.” For instance, “when the town banker forecloses on the family mansion,” or “when a mysterious beneficiary shows up to claim the estate” or “when the children erupt into an inheritance feud” or whatever…
I love the amended logline, I’m already conjuring up images of the family and the grandfather, similar to that in the film ‘Greedy’. There’s plenty of room for conflict and comedy and it feels like the type of story that could sell.