Desperate to hang on to his pregnant girlfriend, bumbling Dennis gets caught up in a kidnapping scheme gone awry, leaving him saddled with a sociopathic little girl who seemingly calls the shots.

Jean-Marie raises a valid point. But, doing my own analysis from first principles:

By far the most interesting character here is the “sociopathic little girl”. Perhaps she could be toned down a bit and be some kind of protagonist? (Kind of like a manipulative version of Hit-Girl.)

As far as Dennis-as-protagonist is concerned, the logline overplays his incompetence and desperation. It’s pretty plain he must be both if he has botched a kidnapping of a girl he got pregnant. Particularly when this girl now wants nothing to do with him.

The words “desperate” and “bumbling” in this logline are not just redundant, they actually make the character come across way too much as a buffoon. Better to have, instead, let his actions betray his dumbness but to describe his good intentions – such as wanting to be a present father for his child. A fool who has good intentions is far easier to care about than just a straight idiot. This is true even for a slapstick comedy or a way-out absurdist one.

The linkage between the sociopathic girl and Dennis should also be made clearer. Even if it is to simply state “after the botched kidnapping, Dennis agrees to follow the orders of a machiavellian little girl to recapture his woman.”

Mind you, with the little girl coming across as being so clever, there is every danger that she remains much more interesting (certainly more intriguing) than Dennis as a character can ever be. There is no need for her to be chilling as well. He cleverness is sufficient.

To make this little girl less scene-stealing, perhaps her description could suggest a less focused personality. For example, “clever, yet fickle,”. Or “precocious, yet romantic,”.

In summary, even for a slapstick or asburdist comedy, this logline needs to be majorly re-written. And, if the script is not actually so off-the-wall in nature as the logline seems to imply, then the re-writing imperative is so much greater.

Steven Fernandez (Judge).