Drawn to older men, an idealistic teenager starts dating an unmarried software engineer and is forced to choose between free will to love with her heart or obey societal norms to appease the locals.
t3xx3rLogliner
Drawn to older men, an idealistic teenager starts dating an unmarried software engineer and is forced to choose between free will to love with her heart or obey societal norms to appease the locals.
Share
Choosing is not really a goal.
Instead, you should have a specific person who is opposed to her new relationship, and the goal should be for the lead to win them over to her new relationship.
Now at the end of the story the lead might have to make a choice, walk away from her relationship or walk away from her family. But that shouldn’t be the goal. That should be what happens when she fails to reach her goal
Also, don’t start the logline with ‘Drawn to older men’ that’s telling not showing. instead, it should be something like, “When she begins dating a man twenty years her senior…”
——————————-
“When she begins dating a man twenty years her senior, an idealist teen must convince her overprotective mother he’s Mr right?after her mother proclaims it’s all wrong.”
Richiev’s comments are spot on as usual.
Why do you need to state the software engineer is unmarried? Or a software engineer? He’s just a 35 year old man right? If there’s no link between what’s in your logline and the story then don’t say it. People will spend their time trying to understand the relevance of that and if it’s not obvious they’ll make assumptions. Assumptions kill loglines!
>>> free will to love with her heart
Love is love. You don’t need to say love with her heart.
>>> obey societal norms to appease the locals
Is there any way you can make this sound more interesting? We’re talking about love and it sounds like a news report. You want the reader to have an emotional response to your logline so be creative, not formal. Richiev’s version, specifically targeting her mother, is great because everyone can relate to doing something your mother doesn’t want you to. Emotionally, we connect with it. That’s what you’re looking for.
How is this story different to Romeo & Juliet? Or any story that involves lovers from different worlds/classes/etc and their relationship is frowned upon? I don’t see a hook? Why is your story unique?
As Richiev said, having to make a choice is not a goal.? Loglines are about the choices a protagonist makes, not about the choices created for them to make by the situation.
I agree with everything already said.
Also: what is the big deal? Old men with young women has always been a clich?. There are some movies that also explore the reverse (Harold and Maude, Fear Eats the Soul, et al).
What I’m saying is: age difference is not a very convincing taboo anymore. What’s so special about your story’s couple?