Driven by the loss of his family to terrorism, the creator of pre-birth screening is led on a journey to discover the brave new world he thought he created just might be the nightmare he rallied against in his youth.
David RaydenPenpusher
Driven by the loss of his family to terrorism, the creator of pre-birth screening is led on a journey to discover the brave new world he thought he created just might be the nightmare he rallied against in his youth.
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This is good, consider breaking it into two sentences, right now your clauses are stacking up. “Brave New World” is a tired reference, unless you’re literally remaking that book (or play) – don’t use it. Remove the “maybe” – this is the log line, not the tag line – will he or not? Be specific.
Hello, I don’t understand the link between prebrith screening, terrorism, and ?a new world. I would focus on a single inciting event, a goal, and the source of conflict. I Recommend to do it in one short sentence. I’m a fan of a straight logline because it helps to spot story problems.
I love irony,??especially stories entailing?the irony of unintended consequences, ?so I am intrigued by the notion that “the future ?he helped create?is?the nightmare he rallied against in his youth.”
Unfortunately,? the ?statement is vague.? There may be the seed of a good story here, but it seems?buried in generalities.??It’s doesn’t tell me specifically what the future nightmare is.? I?And I don’t see?the causal links between?the elements of terrorism?,?the future nightmare,? and pre-birth screening in the logline.? And plotting is all about creating a cause-and-effect links.
As FFF said, what?logline readers in? the industry are looking for is a clearly defined inciting incident, a specific objective goal and a clearly identified antagonist and/or problem.