Genre: A supernatural comedy.
Vampires, a werewolf, a shapeshifter, several ghosts and a human join the Lesbian Vampire Hunters. To rid us of those heinous creatures, the lesbian vampires of Pornithian Manor.
Finding that the term for several lesbian vampires is a 'bed'. Going to Pornithian House, the Lesbian Vampires Hunters and friends go to rid the bed of lesbian vampires from the house of Porn.
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Could be reworded, I find it a little hard to follow. Had to read it a couple of times.
While it sounds like some interesting characters, there’s no explanation of their motives. Or what’s at stake.
Definitely sounds like a comedy though.
Their motive? The lesbian vampire hunters, they hunt lesbian vampires.
The others are along for something to do.
I agree it could be reworded, but to get in the name of a group of lesbian vampires. Where they were going to, and what they wanted to do. And within the word limit, then make it appear obviously humorous. Now if I had 100 words to do a logline in…..
Don’t explain words in a logline. It should be self-explanatory. If you expect people don’t know the word, don’t use it.
What you are reall saying is:
“Lesbian vampire hunters go to the house of Porn to rid the lesbian vampires from the house of Porn.”
You see the problem?
Vampire hunters hunting vampires… What is special about this story? That the vampires are lesbian? Hmmm… Not sure if this is sufficiently appealing. Perhaps it was in the seventies with “Les Levres Rouges” by my old friend Harry Kumel (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b9CwPYFW7Qg).
Here’s where knowing your movies inside/out important too. There’s already a shitty film called Lesbian Vampire Killers. We don’t need another one.
Don’t confuse the logline for the script…
This afternoon at the Sydney Screenwriters Meetup, we had a good example of a poor logline that was disguising a potentially powerful story.
Because the logline doesn’t sound promising, doesn’t mean the writer shouldn’t do the story. Only a properly written logline will allow us to assess the story on its merits.
Personally, I will try and avoid telling people what they should write and what not. Rather I’d like to help with HOW to write it. That said, I admit I’ll also draw the line somewhere…
Wereviking,
I take it you didn’t like LVK.
Karel Segers,
use of the term ‘bed’ was used to highlight the humour of the story.
When you stated, ‘Don’t confuse the logline for the script’, what does that refer to?
The script was only written after watching the film Vampires Suck. I thought, maybe I could do better.
I sought to say what the film’s story is, and add humour into the logline to accentuate the use of humour in the story. Do you consider it preferable to leave out any attempt at humour and keep to the storyline?
If you need to explain the joke, don’t tell it.
By “Don’t confuse the logline for the script” I meant that Wereviking was judging your script before you had a good logline. You may well have a script that is better than Vampires Suck but Wereviking cannot possibly know this before your logline is perfect. Then, he may want to check the script for himself.
I think you’re right about challenging yourself to do better than the movies you see in the theater. Any inspiration is good to get you going!
Don’t leave out humour from the logline but keep it simple, so you don’t have to explain it.
First of all, make sure you have a logline that clearly conveys the core story/concept elements PLUS what is unique to your story.
I hope this is helpful.
Karel Segers,
Yes, your comments were helpful.
By leaving out the ‘bed’ and trying to make the logline simpler, I’d be left with.
The Lesbian Vampire Hunters go to Pornithian House, to rid the lesbian vampires from the House of Porn.
Does that read better than it was?