Fleeing an unseen force controlling their minds, an old man and his two nieces hijack a woman’s car only to discover she’s already picked up a familiar hitchhiker.
perelandrapicturesPenpusher
Fleeing an unseen force controlling their minds, an old man and his two nieces hijack a woman’s car only to discover she’s already picked up a familiar hitchhiker.
Share
Good points by Nir Shelter. ?Especially about the need for a consistent “dramatic mechanism” ?that sustains the motivation of the character from episode to episode. And creates endless complications — that propels the plotline forward. ?The producer will want to sense that about the character.
“Dexter” is a good example. He’s gotta kill — that’s his psychopathology, the compulsion that drives him, that complicates his professional and personal life in every episode. ?Dexter’s defining characteristic was the hook for series.
What’s the character hook in this series? ?
It’s the characters not the situations that lay the foundation for a series.
When dealing with a concept for a series one of the most important elements to consider is the “dramatic mechanism”, this could either be a character dynamic (Friends), a psychological condition (Dexter) or a work place requirement (30 Rock) that enables the invention of a dramatic situation in every episode.
The “mechanism” I can see in your concept is the family’s need to hunt the monsters. This is good, however it needs motivation that’s currently lacking. Just as it’s clear why a priest must?fight a demon or Buffy must fight vampires, your family of monster fighting heroes need to be clearly motivated to do the voodoo that they do so well.
Perhaps describe them as descendants of ancient guardians tasked with the protection of humanity against the armies of hell. Just an option, but it explains what I mean about the need for them to be more than a Brady bunch on the hunt.
What’s the inciting incident — the call to action — that “recruits” them into a career of chasing down monsters? ?What upsets their status quo???What’s the personal stakes for them that they have gotten involved in?a stranger’s (the female driver’s)?predicament?
“When a family of monster hunters carjack a?woman whose mind is being?controlled by the same monster they?re trying to escape, they must regain their freewill and kill the monster before it becomes more powerful.”
The inciting incident does not describe an event which causes the family to pursue the Story Goal. You are describing an ongoing story. What is the beginning? The event should be something out of their control.
For example, since you’re probably familiar with it, Spider-Man’s inciting incident is when he doesn’t use his powers to stop a criminal who then goes on to kill his uncle. Peter Parker then decides to use his powers to live up to his uncle’s teachings.
Or, Star Wars, Luke Skywalker decides to go with Ben Kenobi only when he returns home and finds that the Empire has killed his family. That event, a result of an action out of his control, is what makes him decide to learn to be Jedi and go with Ben.
You have a goal now, which is better.
“About the invisible monster controlling their minds? what do we actually SEE?”
FFF has a point, but I think you could take this a different way. Rather than show the monster, show the effect is has as it tries to attack this family. That could make a great inciting incident. The monster itself doesn’t attack itself, but it sends someone the family trusts to attack. Then they have to flee and find the reason that their friend attacked them. And then as they try to find the monster, it sends more people to attack.
Example:?When his wife suddenly attacks them, a monster hunter and his two nieces must find the monster controlling people and kill it.?(~23 words)
SPOILER FOR “JESSICA JONES”:
?
A similar tactic is used in Marvel’s Netflix series. The villain, Kilgrave, uses his mind control to manipulate Jessica and complete his goal. For instance, he makes a man fall onto a pair of shears in front of her. He makes people run at her as she chases him. He forces people he makes help him to commit suicide, including his parents, whom Jessica brought to talk to him once she captured him.?
When a family of monster hunters carjack a?woman whose mind is being?controlled by the same monster they’re trying to escape, they must regain their freewill and kill the monster before it becomes more powerful.
There are three protagonists: the uncle and the two nieces. The logline is for the pilot of?a series about a family of monster hunters and their dynamic. ?In the pilot, they have to use their skills to sort out what is real and what is being distorted by the mind-controlling monster.
Who is the protagonist? ?The logline indicates 3: the old man and his 2 nieces. ?Well, the nieces can certainly be stake characters, people he is trying to rescue as well as himself. ?But one person should stand out as the protagonist, in the driver’s seat of the plot. ?In this case it would seem to be the character in the driver’s seat of the car,, the uncle.
And what does he decided to do when he realizes the woman holds the key? ?IOW: ?what becomes the protagonist’s objective goal upon making that discovery?
“The ?familiar hitchhiker? is the unseen force (monster) they?re on the run from. The goal is to get away from the control of this monster that they can?t see.”
Getting away from the monster will serve nothing; it will simply find them again as it finds them by being a hitchhiker. What is a goal they can actively pursue? To destroy it, to convince it to stop hunting them, to find it someone else to follow. ‘Running away’ is not an effective goal. That story could go on forever. A good story has a beginning, middle, and end. The end of the story comes about when the goal is completed.
“hijack a woman?s car only to discover she?s already picked up a familiar hitchhiker”
Then frame this as the inciting incident of the story. ?We don’t need to know that they’ve been fleeing already, all we need to know is that the monster has found them now. And this propels them into some action.
If they can’t see it, how do they know it is there?
Example:?When an invisible, mind-controlling monster causes their car to crash, an uncle must find and kill the monster to protect his two nieces.
Inciting incident: Crash, which causes the characters to form a…
Goal: Stop monster from hurting his family. Which leads him to…
Action: Find and kill monster.
“Fleeing an unseen force controlling their minds, an old man and his two nieces hijack a woman?s car only to discover she?s already picked up a familiar hitchhiker.”
This tells us nothing about what they do. What is the inciting incident? Is it the unseen force taking control or is it when they find the person they know?
Do not hide who the person is. Is it the girls’ mother? State who it is.
What is the goal? What do they wish to accomplish? What event causes them to set this goal?
And what do they do after the event, what do they do to achieve the goal?
This logline gives no inciting incident, goal, or action for to be able to make an example out of.