Gault, an ageing Ulster policeman, is wrongly accused of the death of a colleague. The British
State conspires against him to protect an agent. The love of his life saves him.
petsie7Penpusher
Gault, an ageing Ulster policeman, is wrongly accused of the death of a colleague. The British State conspires against him to protect an agent. The love of his life saves him.
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I think the concept in the logline has potential, but it needs polishing and clarification.
Two of the standard rules of a logline are :
1) Do not name the character. ?Character traits, yes; character names, no. So “Gault” needs to be excised.
2) Never, ever give away the ending. ?So “the love of his life saves him” should also be excised. ?Of course, ?the logline doesn’t say how she saves him — read the script, see the film — and, of course, most films have a happy ending. ?Still, a logline should contain no spoilers in terms of the final outcome.
A logline should clearly indicate who the protagonist is. ?But I am not sure in this logline. ?Who is the protagonist, the policeman or the love interest? ?I presume the inciting incident is the false accusation. ?So when an ageing Ulster policeman is wrongly accused of the death of a fellow policeman, who [the protagonist] must do what [the objective goal]? ?And what is at stake if the policeman stand to lose? ?His job? ?His pension (since “ageing” suggests he’s nearing retirement)? ? His life?
fwiw
A couple things. First of all this seems like a very cliche story so try to find your hook that makes this new and original because this really isn’t much of an idea, no one would buy this.
Secondly, try to keep your logline all in one coherent sentence, two max because of all your periods your logline doesn’t read smoothly, so why would your script?
And finally, keep names out of loglines unless it is a character general audiences would know and/or based off of an existing IP. ?Your audience doesn’t know them and doesn’t care.
Agreed with the above, don’t need name and story feels like I know it already, so as above mentioned need a hook.
Now, if the woman he was sleeping with was also investigating him then have an extra layer of tension and conflict.
Or maybe the person murdered was a lover and this is a hate crime and what may prove his innocence may also lead to his alienation.
It has potential, just need that twist: that something that takes this from something we’ve all seen to something we must see.
Having said that: Nothing can beat passion, if this is a story you know and are passionate about write it.
Hey pestie7,
You may want to omit?The love of his life saves him, because it appears to be a third act event. Just very briefly (and clearly) summarize the inciting incident and what exactly the MC must do about it.
And you do have an inciting incident -?or two:?Gault, an ageing Ulster policeman, is wrongly accused of the death of a colleague. and The British State conspires against him to protect an agent.?I believe you intend the former to be the inciting incident, because we wouldn’t even know who?him?is if the second sentence was the inciting incident. Here’s a little something that may help clarify which is which though:?When?an ageing Ulster policeman is wrongly accused of the death of a colleague by the British State…what must he do?
What is the action that the main character takes in order to clear his name?
This is what will make his story interesting.
After he’s framed for a policeman’s murder and sentenced to death an ageing detective must escape and?[do something interesting] in order to save his life.
I believe you have a sound structure here but just lacking the meat on the bone. I made him a detective in order to give him the skills he would need to solve the crime and raised the stakes with a death sentence to add interest. However the main action he takes in the story is not there yet – how will he clear his name?