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S.C.WillLogliner
He lost his friend and his father on the same day, fifteen years later a young man must overcome his inability to accept his loss and protect his friends from the same monster that his pain originates.
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I think the problem with this one is mostly structure. While a logline is primarily to clearly and concisely convey the story, a great one also presents the tone and genre.
Reading this, I had no idea it was a monster movie, or even a horror, until the very end but a trauma-based drama. My advice would be to take the helpful notes from Nir Shelter above and rewrite it, maybe something like;
Fifteen years after a mysterious monster ravaged his father and best friend, a young man must protect his wife and newborn child when…”
I also suggest replacing “young man” with something more sympathetic. Maybe hinting towards the stress and trauma he feels for the murder?
Hope this helps.
This logline lacks detail about the inciting incident and goal, as a result the plot is vague and the descriptions too wordy. While I appreciate colorful language, in this instance bets to stick to conventional logline practice – state the inciting incident, describe the main character and define the goal.
The big problem I see here is that the friend and father murders happened in the past, if you keep the logline the way it is those murders come across as the inciting incident. However the inciting incident should occur on screen and directly force the main character into action.
What was the event that motivated the main character to NOW MUST take action?
Could the killer have killed another person close to him?
But even then I don’t see how his father’s murder didn’t motivate him originally, why did he wait until the killer returns to take action? His psychological hang ups are not enough, there would have to be more. What if he was in a coma and only woke 15 years later, now the killer has returned and killed his sister – boy is he motivated to kick arse!