Langa?s dream of being a musician is crashed when her father is suddenly crippled financially then disappears. As a result Langa?s young life takes an about-turn until after a long struggle and suffering, she gets noticed by a local producer who puts her on the road to success.

In future, if you could post new versions of your logline within the comments of version 1 that would be great. It just makes it easier for everyone to follow the evolution of the logline and you’ll end up with more constructive feedback.

You don’t need to include names in the logline. They don’t add anything other than unnecessary words. On the subject of words, you’re aiming for 35 words or less in one sentence.

The inciting incident is the event that upsets the balance in the protagonist’s life and their is one to correct the imbalance. The inciting incident here is basically her loss of her father and with him financial stability. Her journey should be to find her father or independently get financial stability. My suggestion is to kill the father off instead – it’s a much stronger motivation for her and since the father doesn’t appear through the rest of the logline it would make sense. In terms of conflict it’s much stronger too. That being said though, why is her dream crushed without money or her father? There’s no connection between these two elements at the moment. I don’t understand why that still can’t be her dream?

So the protagonist is a girl called Langa. What does that tell us about her journey? Instead of names, give us some characteristics that make us understand what sort of journey we’ll be taking with her. This is really important! Is she naive? So we’ll see her being taken advantage of and learning to stand on her own two feet. Is she shy? So we’ll see her grow to be a confident powerhouse performer. How old is she? Think how different the story would be you described her as 12 years old as opposed to 22. We need to understand who she is because only then will we really understand what the story is about.

>>> after a long struggle and suffering
This suggests to me that her father is going to disappear and then we have a section of film where the main character is just seen struggling to deal with things. That’s really boring! By the end of act I (30 mins in) we should know what the story is about, she should have taken proactive action to do something and she’s just about to fall down the rabbit hole where act II plays out.

What’s her goal? This needs to be directly related to the inciting incident. If it’s to be a successful musician, great, but as I’ve mentioned in a previous comment – this isn’t necessarily something she has control over and it needs to a more visual, tangible goal. To win a competition, to get a number 1 record, or (better in my opinion) to get the lyrics that her father wrote sung back to her by 1000s of people. How is she going to achieve this? Most importantly, why do we care? Why is her story any different to countless other rags to riches stories?

It’s all a bit vague and the elements need to be more closely tied together. You also need a hook. Something unique that sets your story apart.

Hope this helps.