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ClaireYeowart
Posted: April 13, 20122012-04-13T13:50:35+10:00 2012-04-13T13:50:35+10:00In: Public

In 1955, a young Debutante is sole witness to murder and must enlist the help of another criminal, his niece, to help her get to safety. But the killer is on their trail and he?ll stop at nothing to silence them.

YESTERNIGHT romance/thriller feature film

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    6 Reviews

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    1. sharkeatingman
      2012-04-13T14:29:31+10:00Added an answer on April 13, 2012 at 2:29 pm

      Like the earlier time period mentioned; is that time period essential to the plot? If not, you may want to reconsider not having it in the present day, just because as a project, it’ll be a harder sell as a spec script.

      As a logline, it doesn’t really give us much. It’s basically a witness running from a killer, according to the logline. No real substance there. Throwing in a criminal neice doesn’t change that, and having a killer on their trail who will stop at nothing, is neither new or intriguing enough. Having a “debutante” character is pretty unique, I think, but beyond that it’s flat.

      My recommendation: work on some irony to liven it up. If the “debutante” had to enlist the help of a poor, homeless guy, and be forced to hide in the underbelly of the streets, that “fish out of water” combination would be the “hook”, especially if the killer ends up being one of them as well. Now, she’s living beside the killer she’s trying to hide from. The niece might be an interesting sidekick.

      As an example: “A prissy debutante who witnesses a murder hides with her homeless niece, not knowing that the murderer lives under the freeway right next to them.”

      Hope this was helpful.

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    2. 2012-04-13T14:30:54+10:00Added an answer on April 13, 2012 at 2:30 pm

      Not to be the grammar police, but did you mean to say “another criminal and his niece,”?
      The way it is written currently implies that the other criminal is the niece of the debutante. If that is the case, then it should be “another criminal, his niece,” which also would be incorrect, as by definition, debutantes are female.

      Otherwise, it sounds interesting. Thanks for posting!

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    3. SQM
      2012-04-13T15:29:35+10:00Added an answer on April 13, 2012 at 3:29 pm

      This is a repeat comment as I made errors in the first and couldn’t find an “edit” button.”

      “and must enlist the help of another criminal, his niece, to help her get to safety.”

      This is awkward. Are you saying the other criminal is the debutante’s niece? In which case, it would be “her” niece as debutantes are female by definition. Or are you saying the other criminal AND his niece.

      People over look the fact that society view points change. Time is always an element, just as culture is. How important depends on the story. While debutantes exist today (none of the ones I know are prissy,) the word itself implies a gone by era.

      That she witnessed a crime and yet has to seek help from a criminal is ironic.

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    4. fejumas
      2012-04-13T17:03:58+10:00Added an answer on April 13, 2012 at 5:03 pm

      Agree with sharkeatingman – unless the time period is essential to your script, leave it out or move your story to present day. My guess is the murder victim is an historical character tied to that time period, maybe? I was a little confused by the wording – the criminal who the debutante enlists is the murder victim’s niece? So, two chicks on the run? Could be an interesting play on a Thelma and Louise theme; haven’t had one of those since…well, since Thelma and Louise. Still missing a hook though.
      Protag – debutante
      Antag – killer
      Goal – try to not get killed/get to safety
      Hook – What’s the hook? Is the killer someone she knows and trusts?

      There has to be something unique about your story that sets it apart from the very familiar story that you’re portraying in your logline.

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    5. ClaireYeowart
      2012-04-13T22:12:41+10:00Added an answer on April 13, 2012 at 10:12 pm

      I realise I’ve worded it incorrectly. It’s meant to read…

      In 1955, a young Debutante is sole witness to murder orchestrated by London’s most ruthless crime boss. She must enlist the help of another criminal, his niece, to help her get to safety. But the killer is on their trail and he?ll stop at nothing to silence them.

      But that sounds too long winded. It was originally:

      A young Debutante must enlist the help of a criminal Teddy girl to get her to safety after she is sole witness to a murder orchestrated by London’s most ruthless crime boss.

      But this is a bit lack luster.

      The 1955 part is essential to the story. It’s about a Teddy Girl and a Debutante and Teddy Girls/Boys were only part of the 1950s/60s and Debutantes aren’t really Debutantes in England anymore.

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    6. ClaireYeowart
      2012-04-13T22:14:55+10:00Added an answer on April 13, 2012 at 10:14 pm

      The niece of the killer, sorry I worded it all wrong.

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