In 1984, a meek high school teen is hired by the local Top 40 Station and sets out on a wild summer odyssey where he falls face first in love, and fist first into bully Bill Carter.
JBLogliner
In 1984, a meek high school teen is hired by the local Top 40 Station and sets out on a wild summer odyssey where he falls face first in love, and fist first into bully Bill Carter.
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Most of this describes the setting. ?Plus the story appears to happen after he has set it up. ?I am guessing the girl and the bully had a previous relationship. ?I would like to know the overall goal of the story.
“Meeting his first love on a wild teenage odyssey, he must …”
It reads as very similar to Almost Famous, be sure to introduce enough distinctions in the story to set this concept apart.
The inciting incident seems weak and the connection to the rest of the plot is unclear. What is a local top 40 station? Is this a radio station that lists the top 40 songs every week? If so best to describe it as a radio station regardless it’s top 40 countdown program. This is so the premise is clearly understood from the first read.
Secondly he is hired but to do what? In Almost Famous the main character is hired to write an article by Rolling Stone Magazine, in the logline above the MC could have been hired as a cleaner, a DJ or a researcher but which one is it? How does this propel him into a journey or motivate him to achieve a goal?
And as Craig said what is his goal? This needs to be specified in the logline.
The latest draft of the logline is too convoluted, it delays any plot descriptions until the middle “…but when he meets the girl…”. Essentially this is a boy meets girl (as literally described in the logline)? plot, this means that the inciting incident is the boy falling in love. Accordingly mention this first and delete the first half of the sentence as it doesn’t contribute to the reader’s understanding of the plot.
The character descriptions should be changed as it could be read as if the MC is a teen in his 80’s…? and “…looking to shake up his ho-hum existence…” is not a story worthy problem, I think these can be dropped all together from the logline seeing as they don’t contribute to the story.
Lastly, none of the story elements seam to logically connect; radio DJ, girl, him being meek and the radio station’s top 40 count down.
As an example:
After meeting the girl of his dreams a meek teen with a fake ID gets a job at the local radio station to impress her enough so she leaves her boy friend the school bully.