In a future dystopia an alcoholic detective’s routine investigation into a string of missing children leads him to the discovery that his deceased daughter might still be alive.
TravelerPenpusher
In a future dystopia an alcoholic detective’s routine investigation into a string of missing children leads him to the discovery that his deceased daughter might still be alive.
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“In a future dystopia an alcoholic detective?s routine investigation into a string of missing children leads him to the discovery that his deceased daughter might still be alive.”
This logline attempt ends with what it should start with: the inciting incident, him discovering that his daughter may still be alive. Now that he knows she’s alive, I’m assuming his goal becomes to investigate and confirm if she really is alive, and to bring her home.
Example: ?When an investigation into a string of missing children leads him to evidence that his daughter is still alive, an alcoholic detective must investigate further to find her. (28)
I hope this helps.
What is there about this dystopian future that is implicated ?in what he thought was the death of his daughter?
?What is so uniquely gawd-awful about this future that distinguishes from other scenarios about a dystopian future?
There must be something about the dystopian world that makes the dramatic mystery to be solved possible, some factor that does not exist in our current world. ?Or there is something about the dystopian world that complicates the solution to the mystery, a complication that wouldn’t exist in our current world.
If the dystopia neither creates nor complicates the dramatic problem, ?it’s seems like it’s a throwaway concept.
What’s the justification ?– the dramatic need — for setting the story in the future rather than the present?
Okay, but from the pov of someone reading the logline, knowing nothing about the story, the plus factor in the logline ?that might interest me — IOW, the hook — seems to be in the nature of the dysopian world. ?Not a dipso dad who thinks his daughter is dead — that could be set almost anywhere, in any time frame. ?It’s not contingent on the setting. ?By itself, I don’t think it’s a strong hook.
It seems to me that the ?element that most qualifies to be a strong hook in your story is the setting, the dystopia. But I have no idea what differentiates this dystopia from ?say “1984” or “Brave New World” or “Blade Runner” or “Soylent Green” ?– or any other futuristic world gone to hell in a hand basket..
And, of course, ?a hook is not the same as the end of Act2, Big Reveal (as in “Chinatown”). ? And a Big Reveal ?should never be part of a logline; ?a logline should never have a spoiler. ?Rather, a hook in a logline has to be some element ?that will hook the audience’s interest ?in Act 1. ?No audience, particularly these days when there are so many competing entertainment venues, is going to stay with a movie for a story hook that doesn’t happen until 90 minutes into the film. ?The film must hook the audience’s attention and hold it within 25-30 minutes, in Act 1.
So, ?my point is that whatever that Act 1 hook is should also be the hook of the logline.
IMHO: the most important element in a logline is the hook. ?And right now, I don’t see it.?
Just saying.
>>>When his deceased daughter?s voice amazingly begins speaking through his future society?s AI network,
Better. Now the logline has a hook embedded in the inciting incident.
>>>>alcoholic….
A result of his daughter’s death? ?A symptom of his grieving? ? Psychologically speaking, if he sunk into uncontrolled drinking as a result of her death, then he’s been a latent alcoholic all along. ?Her death gave him the excuse to totally give into that character flaw. ?Anyway, I’m more inclined to tag him as “grieving” in the logline, dramatize the symptom in the script. ?But that’s a quibble.
>>> forcing him to go rogue.
I get what ?”going rogue” implies. ?It’s a standard trope that a protagonist must jump a fence marked with “No Trespassing” signs to do what he needs to do to get what he needs to get. ?The question on my mind is, would the logline be even stronger, a better sales pitch, if it were more specific as to what “going rogue” means?
I, for one, ?want to know specifically how he goes rogues, how he goes about solving the mystery.
Now then. ?I’ve read a lot of loglines for scripts — scripts that sold ?– with strong hooks ?in terms of setting up the initial situation and inciting incident– but only vague statements of what protagonist does about it. ?In other words, loglines that don’t have a complete summary of a plot.
But in?this precinct, the preferred formulation is a logline that summarizes a plot; that is a logline that states a specific course of action toward a specific objective goal. (Per the guidelines under “Formula” at the top of this web page.)
But again, it appears that a logline can get a script read if it’s got a great hook, even if it’s vague or incomplete on the details of the plot. ?Which is why I I have come to the conclusion that the most important element in a selling logline is the hook.
So why do I vex writers to no end by wanting to see a logline ?that lays out a plot? ?Isn’t having a great hook good enough? ?Well, ?imho, if you’re a newbie, just starting out, without an agent, without industry contacts, then, yeah, having a logline with a strong hook and a ?clear plot is more effective.
I say that even if — as is the case with many loglines posted here — you’re only sending up a trial balloon for a premise, a concept — not for a completed script.?
All I can say now is that you’ve got an interesting premise. ?But I can’t — yet — say you’ve got a great logline. ? Because I haven’t seen the outline of the plot that follows from the premise. ?”Forcing him to go rogue” leaves me guessing where the story is going to go, what his actual m.o. ?and objective goal will be.
But I shouldn’t have to guess. ?The logline should tell me.
fwiw