Penpusher
Posted: 2019-08-20T02:22:02+10:00 In:

In a futuristic world in which aging is prevented through the extraction of other people?s cells, a woman goes on a reluctant murder spree to maintain her youth and her marriage for her daughter ? only to find out her husband has a fetish toward older women.

Above is a rough draft of my first logline!

i had trouble cutting it down because I had a lot of explaining to do for this particular futuristic world that I have built.

while futuristic in technology, the ideologies themselves have returned to the conservative ways of the 50s (and hence the woman?s desires to satisfy her husband for her family)?

i want the woman to seem as an antihero who murders for the sole purpose of providing her young daughter with a happy family life

it?s a very rough idea for now so please feel free to give some feedback! Thanks

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    3 Reviews

    1. Best Answer
      Samurai

      (i) The fetish kicks me out?it’s like a pointless “oopsy daisy” that undermines the story.

      (ii) Adding the word “reluctant” does not justify the protagonist’s moral choices. If you want us to feel for her, you need to give us more background.

      (iii) How would her staying young help her daughter? Do you mean that if she stays young, her husband will not divorce her and her daughter will not grow up without a father? Is this strong enough a reason for someone to turn into a killer?

      (iv) I agree with the other comments: why does she have to kill people with her own hands? Do you visit the rejuvenation clinic bringing in your own victims’ blood cells? Does her husband not pay for the operation and must she find her own way to do it?

      Arbitrary attempt to re-write the log line ensues. Let’s study the formula:

      (0) WORLD SETTING:
      “In a society where science helps privileged conservatives stay young by sacrificing homeless children,” (or teenagers)

      (which explains the social structure and the sci-fi premise)

      (1) BIG EVENT:
      “when her husband files for divorce on the grounds of her old looks,”

      (which hints the society’s patriarchy)

      (2) FLAWED PROTAGONIST:
      “an neglected housewife”

      (3) MAIN ACTION:
      “becomes a serial killer to finance her rejuvenation and save her marriage.”

      (OK, how killing people finances the rejuvenation is not clear, but I don’t know what your intentions are down that road.)

      Now, this would only work if the “centre of good” is on the homeless victims and not the protagonist killer with her absurd privileged problems. I very much see this woman being punished in the end.

      The question is: is there any character that embodies the good? Perhaps a homeless vigilante? A Hobo With a Shotgun type?

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    2. Best Answer
      Singularity

      >>>reluctant murder spree to maintain her youth

      Why?? Because the extraction method is illegal? Why can’t younger people donate some cells, just like it’s perfectly legit for people to donate a pint of their blood now?

      • 0
    3. Best Answer
      Mentor

      Sounds like a SciFi take on a vampire story. Interesting mix.

      I assume this technology is illegal, so how does the woman come to use it?

      I would drop the line about her husband liking older woman and make the mother 200 years old. (If she can prevent aging, why not?)

      The conflict you should build on is the one between mother and daughter:? If the mother slows her aging down via murder, won’t the daughter think something is funny when she turns 16 and her? mother still looks 25? Won’t the daughter be appalled when she learns what the mother has done? What if the daughter decides to turn her mother in for murder?

      • 0