Uberwriter
Posted: 2015-01-07T08:37:44+10:00 In:

In a post apocalyptic pandemic world a teenage girl trying to reach the safety of quarantine takes refuge in a valley, only to be thrust into a fight for her life with a man willing to kill her to get what he wants

The Valley

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    16 Reviews

    1. Penpusher

      The stakes are not high enough. Essentially, she’s just going from A to B and a crazy dude trying to kill her in between.

      There has to be a better reason for her to go to the quarantine area. This is what I would do:

      In a post apocalyptic pandemic world a teenage girl embarks on a journey to find her kidnapped sister and soon discovers herself travelling companion is not what he seems (or is connected to her sister’s disappearance).

      I hope this helps.

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    2. Penpusher

      The stakes are not high enough. Essentially, she’s just going from A to B and a crazy dude trying to kill her in between.

      There has to be a better reason for her to go to the quarantine area. This is what I would do:

      In a post apocalyptic pandemic world a teenage girl embarks on a journey to find her kidnapped sister and soon discovers herself travelling companion is not what he seems (or is connected to her sister’s disappearance).

      I hope this helps.

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    3. Uberwriter

      Thanks Peter,

      Hard to fit in all the story into a logline. You’re right it is a horrific road film when it is all boiled down. The stakes are violent, torturous and harrowing, hard to get across in a sentence or two. Have to try and pump them up.

      Thanks again…. back to the keyboard by the looks of it.

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    4. Uberwriter

      Thanks Peter,

      Hard to fit in all the story into a logline. You’re right it is a horrific road film when it is all boiled down. The stakes are violent, torturous and harrowing, hard to get across in a sentence or two. Have to try and pump them up.

      Thanks again…. back to the keyboard by the looks of it.

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    5. The stakes could rise by having a ticking clock so as having to reach safety in a short time frame or something could happen to her or others.

      Could you be more precise about what the antagonist wants. Is it revenge? Lust? Could there be any justification for his actions? Make us sympathise with him, forcing us to be disgusted with his actions.l

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    6. The stakes could rise by having a ticking clock so as having to reach safety in a short time frame or something could happen to her or others.

      Could you be more precise about what the antagonist wants. Is it revenge? Lust? Could there be any justification for his actions? Make us sympathise with him, forcing us to be disgusted with his actions.l

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    7. Uberwriter

      The sole survivor of journey to quarantine to escape an extinction level pandemic a teenage girl seeks refuge in a hidden valley only to be discovered by a murderous psychotic.

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    8. Uberwriter

      The sole survivor of journey to quarantine to escape an extinction level pandemic a teenage girl seeks refuge in a hidden valley only to be discovered by a murderous psychotic.

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    9. Uberwriter

      There is a ticking clock, he drives her from her shelter and winter is setting in. She is freezing and starving. She has the means to kill him on several occasions, but decides to run. Finally she has to kill him to survive. During the conflict she gets hold of his GPS which he needs.

      That is how the conflict starts. She is a little immature in the beginning and this leads to the escalation.

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    10. Uberwriter

      There is a ticking clock, he drives her from her shelter and winter is setting in. She is freezing and starving. She has the means to kill him on several occasions, but decides to run. Finally she has to kill him to survive. During the conflict she gets hold of his GPS which he needs.

      That is how the conflict starts. She is a little immature in the beginning and this leads to the escalation.

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    11. Singularity

      A post-apocalyptic world– but GPS still works?

      Seems to me that in a righteous post-apox world, all the infrastructure to support the power grid, Internet, GPS, POTS (plain old telephone service), etc., would have collapsed.

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    12. Singularity

      A post-apocalyptic world– but GPS still works?

      Seems to me that in a righteous post-apox world, all the infrastructure to support the power grid, Internet, GPS, POTS (plain old telephone service), etc., would have collapsed.

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    13. Uberwriter

      This is the kind of GPS used by hikers and surveyors. It is satellite based and can be charged using a head held generator. Sounds dumb I know, but works in the story. It is a similar things to the devices that use in Africa when tracking herds.

      I researched them, they would still work as long as the satellites remain up, which gives them about a decade in most situations. All data is stored on the device which means they don’t need anything other than a reference point to operate.

      I was worried that it may seem a little magical.

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    14. Uberwriter

      This is the kind of GPS used by hikers and surveyors. It is satellite based and can be charged using a head held generator. Sounds dumb I know, but works in the story. It is a similar things to the devices that use in Africa when tracking herds.

      I researched them, they would still work as long as the satellites remain up, which gives them about a decade in most situations. All data is stored on the device which means they don’t need anything other than a reference point to operate.

      I was worried that it may seem a little magical.

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    15. Singularity

      >>it may seem a little magical.

      Yeah, it certainly is a convenient prop. I like post-apocalyptic worlds where everything goes to hell in a handbasket, where characters have no recourse to technological crutches and gimmicks. They are forced to prevail the old fashioned way: by their wits.

      But it’s your story.

      I gotta quibble on calling the antagonist “psychotic”. Technically, it seems to me, he’s more likely to be a psychopath than a psychotic. That is a distinction with a difference. Psychosis is a disorder so dysfunctional in terms hallucinations and an inability to engage in reality testing that is unlikely that he would be able to pursue her for any extended period. In contrast, psychopaths are fairly lucid, just mad as hell and not going to take it anymore.

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    16. Singularity

      >>it may seem a little magical.

      Yeah, it certainly is a convenient prop. I like post-apocalyptic worlds where everything goes to hell in a handbasket, where characters have no recourse to technological crutches and gimmicks. They are forced to prevail the old fashioned way: by their wits.

      But it’s your story.

      I gotta quibble on calling the antagonist “psychotic”. Technically, it seems to me, he’s more likely to be a psychopath than a psychotic. That is a distinction with a difference. Psychosis is a disorder so dysfunctional in terms hallucinations and an inability to engage in reality testing that is unlikely that he would be able to pursue her for any extended period. In contrast, psychopaths are fairly lucid, just mad as hell and not going to take it anymore.

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