In a world where magic is controlled by a corrupt few, an outcast with elemental powers must join a rag tag group of well meaning historians to face a powerful magi and release control of magic back to the populace.
lightacandlePenpusher
In a world where magic is controlled by a corrupt few, an outcast with elemental powers must join a rag tag group of well meaning historians to face a powerful magi and release control of magic back to the populace.
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Here are a couple of tries:
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Take one: ? “When the ruling Magi-garchy discover how to horde magic, a rebellious freedom fighter joins with a aging historian on a quest to release the magic and save the land.”
Take two: “When her father falls into a coma and can only be revived through magic, a rebellious freedom fighter joins an aging historian on a quest to usurp the ruling Magi-garchy who have discovered how to horde magic.”
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Hope that helped, good luck with this!
(BTW; an Oligarchy is when the richest few rule the land. I use the made-up term Magi-garchy as a word play off that. A land ruled by the most powerful magic users. You don’t have to use that term but I made an attempt to give what you wrote about in your logline a name)
Agreed with most of what Richiev proposed.
This draft of the logline didn’t give the MC a strong motivation via an inciting incident, as such it didn’t define the start of the story and explain why the MC must go on her journey. Richiev’s suggestion of a close relation that can be saved only with magic is great.
However, I don’t think that made up words have a place in a logline, this comes across as presumptuous and risks adding confusion.
The latest draft of the logline is a huge improvement.
I suggest the following:
After an evil sorcerer puts her father into a comma, an anti magic activist must usurp the magic hording leader of the ruling Mage council.
The mention of an aging historian has little impact on the story, as the historian is an ally they don’t need to be in the logline.
The lack of antagonist and the arbitrary nature of the inciting incident weakened the concept, therefore I added in an evil sorcerer as the cause. Also if she tries to over-through an entire class of people she would need to amass an army much like in the Hunger Games, unless that is described in the logline best to specify a single antagonist for her to fight against.
The lack of inner journey made the story rather superficial, therefore I add a description of the MC as an anti magic person as it puts her in direct conflict with her external journey of searching for magic powers. This adds depth to her character and adds interest. Further to that, describing the MC as a “…rebellious freedom fighter…” is confusing, with out more detail it is unclear who or what she is rebelling against or what freedom and for whom she is fighting for.