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LouisianaMan1200Penpusher
A? newcomer in New York City,? befriends a lovely housewife who’s harboring a dark secret from them.
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What prompts the fight in the first place? In other words, it’s not clear what the inciting event is. Also, you would need to specify which of the two is the primary antagonist, the criminals or the Russian gangster.
Lastly, what is the connection between the vampier setting and the fight against the criminals? It feels like the setting is unrelated to the main action of the film.
The best loglines, not only describe the major beats of a story but also illustrate the cause and effect relationships between them.
When a group of criminals and? humanoid aliens? try to invade Atlanta, Two women must work together to protect it, only to learn that they are being led by a female Russian gang leader.
You have done a great job introducing the cast of characters but what are the stakes? ?Where does the conflict come in? ?I?m assuming it has something to do with the Russian gang leader but why is it important that he?s a Russian gang leader? ?What conflict/stake does she bring to the plot that could potentially derail the protagonists? ability to succeed?
The criminals pale in comparison to the aliens, so best to only describe the aliens in the logline. The criminals may play out in the script, but they’re not adding enough value to warrant being described in the logline.
Why two main characters? Unless you have an odd couple buddy story, it would be better to specify one main character.
Also, ss being led by a Russian gang leader a bad thing? If so, it doesn’t come across as such in the logline. What about the Russian gang leader makes her a problem?
Lastly, how is the gang leader’s sex relevant?
Whether female or male, the Russian gangster character will still fulfill the same role (the role is unclear in the logline, but that’s beside the point). Therefore, as every word in a logline counts, and as that description doesn’t inform the story, it should be cut out or changed.