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willymelvin22Logliner
Posted: November 10, 20182018-11-10T01:06:35+10:00 2018-11-10T01:06:35+10:00In: Coming of Age

In an anthromorpic world, a young lion cub Living in his father shadow, decides to create the world?s first diverse sports team. Determined to prove themselves, these outcasts battle against convention and use their differences as strength in a futuristic sport.

In an anthromorpic world, a young lion cub Living in his father shadow, decides to create the world?s first diverse sports team. Determined to prove themselves, these outcasts battle against convention and use their differences as strength in a futuristic sport.
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    1. kpetrakis01 Logliner
      2019-06-12T11:46:54+10:00Added an answer on June 12, 2019 at 11:46 am

      In an anthropomorphic world, a young lion cub, legally forbidden to play <<sport>>??? ?must create a team of other outcast players to prove to his <<sport>> hero father and the government? that cubs deserve to be included.

      Just a suggestion to let us know

      why can’t he play now? – incapable, forbidden,

      Why does he create a team of outcasts? – Are all cubs forbidden or anyone non-human?

      Why is he doing it? To fight for his right to play?

       

      Just some ideas.

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    2. jelewis8 Logliner
      2019-04-29T23:00:24+10:00Added an answer on April 29, 2019 at 11:00 pm

      So you can lose the “In an anthromorphic world” part (btw it’s anthropomorphic). It’s assumed the world you’ve created has some relation to people even if it’s shown through the eyes and actions of an all-animal cast. This logline is thematically unfocused and has no motivations, stakes or urgency to it, so it falls flat.

      First question I’d ask: What are stakes if the young lion doesn’t succeed? Will his father disown him? Kill him?

      2nd question I’d ask: How does “using their differences” help address the protagonist’s goal? Is the lion by nature unable to play well with other creatures and therefore missing a vital component in achieving success (ie, he needs diversity to succeed where he previously failed by staying with his own kind)?

      “Battle against convention” is bland and virtually useless information. Why does joining a diverse sports team matter to the lion cub or his father? It seems like you have to find the core meat behind A) the sports team B) diversity and C) the father’s approval and love as well as the stakes (what happens if he doesn’t succeed) before you’ll find your story. Good luck!

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