Golden compass
justinPenpusher
In another universe, a young girl stumbles upon a plot in the kidnapping of children by a religious organization called the Magisterium, who will stop at nothing to ensure the continuation of their doctrine and hold over the world they live in.
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Given that this is your logline for an existing film, The Golden Compass.
Was the Magisterium a religious organisation? Given that the sequel was stopped because of religious group (catholics) I’d leave out the religious aspect completely.
(Don’t you think that Lyra’s father, Lord Azriel is a bit of a 007 character?)
I’d suggest following the logline:
The prophesized leader of the rebellion begins the battle against the Magisterium; to announce her father as a hero, with the Witch Queen, the Gytians, an aeronaut and the armoured bear Lorek Byrnison.
By stating who is in the battle, a greater level of interest and the want to know more can be attained.
Sounds like a terrific tale, Justin!
It’s a little long, I think, for a tag line, and there are a couple of things that come out straight away.
I don’t think we need “In another universe” — assuming that the book will be marketed as sci-fi or fantasy, that is pretty much a given.
I don’t think you need “called the Magisterium” — we’ll find that out when we start reading, right?
So, already it becomes tighter and clearer. Adding a couple of other changes I’d suggest:
A young girl stumbles upon a plot in the kidnapping of children by a religious organization, which will stop at nothing to ensure the continuation of their doctrine and hold over their world.
A couple of other thoughts: “stumble upon” tells us the character passively find out about this plot. I’d consider “a young girl discovers”, perhaps — it’s tighter in any case.
I also tightened “the world they live in” to “their world.”
Also, “stop at nothing” is a cliched phrase. Can you say the same thing with some different language?
Jeff