Logliner
Posted: 2016-08-03T08:37:57+10:00 In:

?In order to help create an international antiterrorism taskforce, the D. o. D. Director of Psychological Operations Dr. Samantha Ryan struggles to overcome her ex husband and the terrorists with whom he is associated.?

?In order to help create an international antiterrorism taskforce, the D. o. D. Director of Psychological Operations Dr. Samantha Ryan struggles to overcome her ex husband and the terrorists with whom he is associated.?
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    6 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      I have been following the attempts to create a logline for this story for a while.
      I think my problem with coming up with one is that I am not sure what the lead character must do

      “Struggles to overcome” doesn’t tell us what she must do.
      Also it seems as if things are happening to the lead character instead of the lead character being proactive.

      After her husband sabotages her submarine what must the lead character do?
      Is there a bomb she must find?
      Does she have fix the sub?
      Does she have to discover who is a mole working for her husband?

      Once we know what the lead character must do, it will be easier for us to create a logline attempt.

      Here would be an example of a character having to do something:
      ——
      “When her vengeful ex-husband sabotages her submarine, a claustrophobic D.O.D officer must discover which crew member is the mole if she’s to discover her ex’s location and the nuclear codes he stole.”
      —–

      obviously yours would be different.

      Hope that helped

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    2. I think a good start would be getting rid of all the terminology as it confuses your audience that doesn’t know what it is your talkk about. Be concise and clear about everything in your logline and tell the story. As for the character, leave names out unless they are super famous. Hope this helps.

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    3. Uberwriter

      “In order to help create an international antiterrorism taskforce,?a Department of Defense?Director struggles to overcome her ex husband and the terrorists with whom he is associated.?

      Again, “struggles to overcome” is too vague. What specifically does she do? Does she have to infiltrate the terrorist cell? What is it?

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    4. Uberwriter

      Presario, as noted before it doesn’t seem like your protagonist drives the plot of the story. In fact it seems she hardly in the story at all since you focus on the ex-husband. So, I either suggest changing the main character, or or making sure it the woman who drives the plot.
      In other words, when the ex husband attacks the woman, she is the one to hunt him down, she is the one who arrests/kills him at the end. Or is killed by him. She is the one who retakes control of her life that her husband once tried to take from her.

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    5. Singularity

      I’m not sure what Samantha’s story is even after reading the lengthy list of plot points above.

      In short, what is it Samantha wants?

      What action does she take to get what she wants?

      P.S
      To help create an organisation is not a goal, you need to be more specific and describe a single visually clear goal.

      P.P.S
      Struggling to overcome her Ex is not an action, as it?is not external and visible.

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    6. Uberwriter

      Presario: I’ve looked through the past attempts of this logline, and the problem is recurring: in each one, the one thing you’re missing is what the?wife does. The protagonist.
      For example:?“When a government agent is sent to work on a new naval submarine, she discoveres that her ex-husband is out to kill her.”

      All you need is what specifically she aims to do. Does she want to kill her husband? Does she try to get him arrested again? What is her goal, and then what does she do to achieve it? This does not need an explanation of all of the plot points as you posted last time.

      Since in your last version you brought up Star Wars(I still don’t understand what point you were trying to make), I’ll use it as the example. In “A New Hope”:
      Inciting incident: Luke Skywalker returns to his home and finds that the Stormtroopers have attacked it and killed his family(not Padame being killed which is what I think you were trying to suggest), which leads to…
      Goal: Luke decides to help Ben Kenobi rescue Princess Leia from the Empire, and to help destroy their superweapon which leads to…
      Action: Luke begins to train to be Jedi and he and Ben hire Han Solo to fly them.

      That’s really what a logline should contain.
      When his family is killed by soldiers, a young farm boy must rescue a princess from the evil Empire to help destroy their planet-destroying superweapon. (~25 words)

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