In stepping up to talk to the girl that took his breath away, a timid boy enters her world of seduction and murder and in pursuit of her he will learn the great and terrible things Man is capable of.

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What’s the inciting incident that kicks the story off? This event should have a direct relationship to the rest of the story e.g. swimmer gets killed by shark, men try to kill shark.?How does simply “stepping up” to her result in him entering her world. Surely they have to interact. She has to let him in? What actually happens in this scene? When he steps up to her, does he see a dead body at her feet? Does she warn him not to pursue her? Does she kidnap him? Does she ask for help? Give us a little more to go on.

“Boy”… you might want to clarify the age we’re talking about here. Boy (to me) suggests pre-teen (otherwise you’d say teenager). If it’s a “boy” there’d be an assumption that the girl is of similar age. We need a few more specifics about the characters to understand the world we’re in.

What starts off as a logline for a romance, suddenly talks about seduction and murder – it’s a big leap with no connection between the elements. Why is this a horror film and not a thriller?

Is his goal to get the girl? To stop the murders? To save the girl? To “learn the great and terrible things Man is capable of”? Give him a clear visual goal e.g. to kill the shark.

“learn the great and terrible things Man is capable of” – this is a lot of unnecessary words that don’t add anything to the logline. Every story involves someone learning something and it’s usually finding out that they are better than they thought or someone else is worse than they imagined… this is pretty much a given. Don’t clutter up a logline with words that don’t tell us about the story.

This is all very vague and, at the moment, I don’t understand what the story is about. Give us more information and be specific.

I look forward to the next draft.