In the future, all mental Illness is illegal. After a teen?s girlfriend is taken away due to early detection of a mental defect, he searches to find an error with the brain scanning machine but uncovers a dark secret.
jd099mPenpusher
In the future, all mental Illness is illegal. After a teen?s girlfriend is taken away due to early detection of a mental defect, he searches to find an error with the brain scanning machine but uncovers a dark secret.
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Sorry for any confusion in that post – the first use of ‘goal’ should be trigger. Need to proofread…
Understand the premise, the goal and the challenge, but there isn’t a clear goal – Why does this dark secret matter to him, her or society? Tell us why the dark secret must remain a secret, or what will happen if the info is made public.
What Nir Shelter said. ?What become his objective goal when he finds the error? ?What must he do about it?
I feel the dark secret is the story. ?I’d like to read about this.
What dark secret? And what will he do? In other words, what is his goal?
The goal is the most important part of a logline, and this one lacks a clear goal for the MC. It’s understood that?he wants to clear his girlfriends name, but if he uncovers a “?dark secret?” surely that means he can help the rest of society. This means the stakes get much higher after his discovery, and therefore his over arching goal should be described as his response to the dark secret not helping his girlfriend.
Okay you have a clear conflict and the binary oppositions that would cause an uprising, so an interesting concept but this is a very long and muddled logline. In sci-fi, it’s best to leave the world building to your screenplay and just focus on the underlying story at hand. Something like:
When all mental illness is deemed illegal, a love-struck teen sets out to take down the system when his autistic girlfriend is taken away.
Hope this helps. Keep writing.