Logliner
Posted: 2016-10-13T06:00:39+10:00 In:

In the wake of recent terrorist attacks, four female security guards are ruthlessly coerced to help carry out one of America’s deadliest assaults; one that has the potential to hurt or even kill tens of thousands.

In the wake of recent terrorist attacks, four female security guards are ruthlessly coerced to help carry out one of America’s deadliest assaults; one that has the potential to hurt or even kill tens of thousands.
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    3 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      First, it’s better to focus the logline (and the plot) on 1 protagonist rather than an ?ensemble of 4. (Although the singular protagonist can certainly have a team that supports her struggle.)

      Second, coerced to do what exactly? ?”Once of America’s deadliest assaults” is too vague to constitute an effective story hook.

      Third, ?they are portrayed as helpless, reactive victims rather than proactive protagonists who become agents of their own fate. ?So what becomes the?proactive objective goal as a result of the predicament?

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    2. Logliner

      Thank you for the response. ?There were four protagonists, each having their own way of dealing with the actions that are taking place. I will have to maybe focus on one, and as you’ve said have the others as her team. ?In the story, they aren’t able to be too proactive in stopping the assault, their families lives are in danger. It’s a matter of would you sacrifice the lives of strangers in order to protect the ones you love?

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    3. Singularity

      Agreed with the above comments.

      I’ll add by questioning the mention of gender. Both men and women are equally capable, so is their gender of any relevance to the plot?

      I know many people are becoming aware of gender in film and TV now, but as loglines go unless the gender has a direct impact on the actions it is a redundant description – you wouldn’t have specified male if it was a man. Specifying the lead as female comes across as an attempt to jump on an industry female lead trend, instead of writing a story that requires a female lead.?No problem having the MC be a woman, but that can be implied by the use of ‘her’ or ‘she’.?
      Otherwise is there a better description you can use, one that could illustrate the MC’s flaw perhaps??

      And for the record:
      NO, I AM NOT APPOSE TO GENDER EQUALITY. NO, I AM NOT APPOSED TO FEMALE LEAD ROLES. YES, I WOULD HAVE ASKED THE SAME SHOULD THE DESCRIPTION HAVE BEEN MALE. YES, I AM WRITING A FEMALE LEAD ROLE SHOW MYSELF!!!
      So hold off on chauvinist accusations.

      This is purely an objective critique of a potentially redundant description just like any other.

      P.S
      Sorry, only it seems as if now day and age this kind of comment needs such a qualifier…

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