It’s all fun and games at the cemetery for a twenty something gravedigger clinging to his youth, until his ex-girlfriend’s Mafioso father plots revenge for disrespecting his “little princess.”
Alan SmitheePenpusher
It’s all fun and games at the cemetery for a twenty something gravedigger clinging to his youth, until his ex-girlfriend’s Mafioso father plots revenge for disrespecting his “little princess.”
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The first clause in the line can be deleted as it doesn’t describe or help set up a plot, as the main character’s age and the fact he enjoys his job are?irrelevant. The story starts when the mafia boss does something to him and therefore this should be the start of the logline.
In addition there needs to be a specific goal mentioned, otherwise there is no plot and currently the logline is missing a goal.
My question to you is: what’s all fun and games? It’s so vague.
You need to give your character something to do. ?In your line he doesn’t have any impact on the story. ?Try this…
After disrespecting his ex-girlfriend a twenty something grave digger must …….. before her?Mafioso father extracts his revenge.
I also find cling to his youth a little confusing to for someone only twenty.