Kidnapped and caged, ten people are going to be killed one at a time until they identify the two traitors in their group, which will secure their release.
CraigDGriffithsUberwriter
Kidnapped and caged, ten people are going to be killed one at a time until they identify the two traitors in their group, which will secure their release.
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Hi Craig, I’m sorry my feedback will be less useful than yours but wanted to repay the favour.
I like this logline, I get a good idea of how the story will pan out, also that it could be made on a low budget due to one location (unless I’m mistaken).
I think all the right words are there, I’ve spend some time trying to see if there’s a better order for the words to be arranged. I can’t find a way to improve on this front.
If I had to think of questions the logline raises but doesn’t answer (hard to cram it all in, I know):
1) Who is holding them captive?
2) Who is doing the killing?
3) What is the group? – Is it military? Criminal? Cult?
Who are they traitors to?
Let’s check the 3 ingredients:
1. Event
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So this is the event: The protagonist has been kidnapped and caged, along with 9 other people. Clear and cool.
2. Character
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There is no main character in the logline. There is a group, but I doubt that this is a plural-protagonist movie. I suggest you pick one of the group to be the main character.
Then comes AlHarper84’s 3rd question, which is very important: What kind of group is it? Keeping it as “people” and “group” is a generic approach that fails to create a vivid mental image.
Instead of saying ten “people,” use a more specific word:
The word you choose defines the film’s tone. For some reason, game designers brings a horror-comedy (or comedy-horror) to mind; soldiers sounds straight “And then there were none” kind of horror; nuclear scientists and UN officers is grimmer -it sounds as if it concerns the whole planet, giving the horror some political undertone.
3. Action
They must identify the traitor. This is cool. Some detective work involved. Some backstories revealed. I like it.
Two caveats, though:
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Hi guys thanks for the comments.
I?ll answer and give my logic and hope it gets more ideas from people.
Having no main character enables me to have the fate of the 10 truly up for grabs. If I had one main the viewers would know they are safe. I can make the audience care for someone than kill them. Never let the audience feel safe, make them panic as much as the characters.
The traitors are working with the kidnapper. They are part of the game, trying to get the group to turn on itself.
They are a group of completely random people, only one couple amongst them. Having ten of the same people gives me less scope, it is a bit monotone.
They are killed by a small explosive in a vest strapped to their chest. It is triggered remotely, so they can be punished for disobedience.
I like the fact that you don’t have one specific main character, I think that adds tension and mystery to the storyline and it’s definitely something I would watch.