Logliner
Posted: 2017-04-15T10:38:39+10:00 In:

KNIGHTS of ASDERIN: THE DEMON KING’S RETURN – Upon falling into the world of his favorite game, a player running from his responsibilities joins a guild of adventurers on their quest, but when he accidentally releases the demon king from his ethereal prison, it is up to him and his new allies to defeat him.

KNIGHTS of ASDERIN: THE DEMON KING’S RETURN – Upon falling into the world of his favorite game, a player running from his responsibilities joins a guild of adventurers on their quest, but when he accidentally releases the demon king from his ethereal prison, it is up to him and his new allies to defeat him.
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    3 Reviews

    1. Uberwriter

      “Upon falling into the world of his favorite game, a player running from his responsibilities joins a guild of adventurers on their quest, but when he accidentally releases the demon king from his ethereal prison, it is up to him and his new allies to defeat him.”

      I think the problem this logline suffers from is that it tries to focus on two inciting incidents. To me the more interesting, the one that is the hook is the fact that he’s fallen into a video game. But since that concept has been used before, what does your story offer different? What’s the hook? The logline also uses vague descriptions. (for example, is it a video game or board game? Card game?) How would you describe the protagonist?
      Why does he need to defeat the demon king? What’s his stake in this?

      Example:?After he is sucked into his favorite video game, a gamer must help a guild of adventurers defeat a demon king who was released so he can return to the real world. (32)


      My example also suffers from not giving the protagonist a compelling reason to fulfill this goal, it also lacks a compelling hook, but I tried to streamline your ideas. Here’s another attempt to tie things together better:

      When a gamer’s arrival into the world of his favorite video game causes the release of a demon king, he must help a guild of adventurers defeat the king before he destroys everything, including the game itself. (37)

      This version runs too long, but I added what I think could be an interesting angle, an interesting stake for the protagonist: if the demon king completes his goal, it will literally(somehow) destroy the game, his favorite game, meaning he can’t play it any longer. And I tied the arrival into the game with the release of the king.

      I hope this helps.

      • 0
    2. Singularity

      While it might seems like entering the virtual world is what set’s the story in motion,
      since the goal of the story is stopping the demon king,
      The inciting incident would be when the lead releases the monster.

      I am going to do a logline attempt, I am also going to try to personalize the quest as a result your logline will differ:
      ———————-
      “When he accidentally releases the demon king while trying to Illegally hack the game, a disgraced gamer and his guild mates must defeat the virtual monster if he is to atone for his mistake”
      ———————
      If this has not been written, here would be a few thoughts on how the story line could go:

      1: At the beginning of the story the lead is a bit selfish, He hears about this uber weapon and he tries to hack the game to get it.
      2: The devs play this cruel trick, anyone hacking the sword will release the demon which will ravish the world
      3: He becomes a disgrace to his fellow gamers and is only accepted among a guild of losers.
      4: Together they go on a quest to gather ingredients for a super spell
      5: The guild has to work together to solve problems and as a result the lead is forsed to lose his selfishness and learns to be a team player
      6: in the end they defeat the demon
      7: and he is rewarded the sword he tried to hack, but now he has earned it.
      8: He is a hero instead of a disgrace.

      The End

      hope that helped

      • 0
    3. Singularity

      In a strange way this is similar to Dorthy’s story in The Wizard of Oz meets Tron – after falling into a fantasy world Dorothy motivates the wicked witch of the west into being the antagonist, in a way Dorothy created her own antagonist for her journey.
      In this concept, the world is a virtual/digital one and the wicked witch is a demon king.

      Dorothy had to follow the yellow brick road to find the all-powerful Wizard with her new found friends, same with Alan in Tron with the help of Tron they travel the vast digital expanse of the main frame to destroy Flyn’s evil programs.

      How does this concept provide the MC with allies and a journey to defeat the king?

      • 0