Life for a SoCal adolescent upends when his family moves to 1970?s Tehran, addled by homesickness, culture shock and coming of age, the unlikely adoption of an eagle inspires his escape into the ancient art of falconry.
steavboydLogliner
Life for a SoCal adolescent upends when his family moves to 1970?s Tehran, addled by homesickness, culture shock and coming of age, the unlikely adoption of an eagle inspires his escape into the ancient art of falconry.
Share
So his objective goal is only to escape from the reality of an unpleasant situation?
An objective goal should? be framed positively, not negatively. It’s not enough that he’s trying to escape an unpleasant situation; he must also be striving? toward a desired end.? ? The protagonist needs to be described? as proactive — not reactive .
I sense there is an interesting, marketable story here.? But it seems buried under the logline versions so far.? Keep digging.
..& Let’s say you must go with his current Goal. Then what’s standing between it & him? Try something that make us imagine the scope of his Action.. the visual & objective quality of his Conflict will determine whether we’re going to root for him. A premise where the protagonist must seek a sense of belonging could be interesting, it just needs that wrinkle of urgency to get it moving. So what if he fails to escape his troubles? The stakes aren’t high enough for us to care.
This is a good step forward.
I hear what the others are saying, but this sounds character-driven like many a coming-of-age tale. Not that it matters for the logline, but I can imagine a tangible objective with the eagle developing in the second half (a competition or personal challenge or similar). If it is something major, it may help the logline…depends what you have in mind.
Cut fat and assumed parts to sharpen the rest. For example:
In (1971), after his family uproots him to Tehran, a SoCal (fifteen year-old) unable to make new friends escapes into the ancient art of falconry.
The new version omits everything about the ex-pat community and Americanization of Tehran. Is that an accurate reflection of these elements not being central to the story?
Is there a guy or girl friend involved? Or a father or mother figure?
In looking at this again, is it more of a “Pet Love” story? (Dolphin Tale, Free Willy, etc.) If yes, then the eagle does belong in the logline.