Logline: A modern orthodox Jewish teenager faces the fallout of having sex with his girlfriend, something specifically prohibited by his faith. He tries to cope with guilt by isolating people and using drugs, leading to conflict with his friends, family, and teachers. His drug use takes him on a downward spiral and a difficult journey to find meaning in his life.

What about the fallout facing the girl?? Her plight is even more pitiful than his ?because she’s damaged goods.? Her family will reject her; no respectable Orthodox male will marry her.? It seems to me that her story might be even more dramatically compelling than his.? That the guy has further disgraced himself by not “manning up” to take responsibility for the consequences he has inflicted on her life, destroying all her hopes for happiness and love.

Does he still love?her?? Does she figure anywhere in his road to recovery?? Or is she just a disposable character?

A fundamental problem with this logline is it?fails to? outline?a plot.? A plot is the dramatic vehicle the protagonist drives to reach a specific destination — a specific?finish line. ?This logline piles? up a?heap of emotional baggage for the young Jew to carry in the vehicle on his journey.? But? his emotional problems are not the plot.? The plot is where the young man intentionally — not aimlessly, not accidently?– goes with the baggage — and, hopefully, jettison along the way.

As a result of??committing? the?sin of pre-marital sex (the inciting incident), a young man must … well, do what?? All that is conveyed is what he must not do — but does anyway — all the mistakes he makes.? What (eventually) becomes his specific, concrete?objective goal to redeem his life?

(And “find meaning” doesn’t qualify as an objective goal.? It’s vague, non-visual, and open ended.? Film is a visual medium.? What’s the visual on “meaning in his life”?? What’s the visual cue that will signal to the audience that he has reached his destination, achieved his objective goal?)

fwiw