Penpusher
Posted: 2017-10-07T07:48:05+10:00 In:

logline critique

A mentally troubled cop, obsessed with a kidnapping victim from his first murder case, struggles to keep her alive as he finds that the kidnapper is closer than he thinks.

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    4 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      >>A mentally troubled cop,…

      Vague, can cover any and every disorder or mood.? Please be specific.

      >>> obsessed with a kidnapping victim from his first murder case, struggles to keep her alive

      On the first read, it seemed confusing.? I had to read it again to sort it out, something a logline should never have a reader do. Most loglines are only going to one quick pass in 10-12 seconds by a producer, director or agent.? If it isn’t immediately and obviously clear, they aren’t going to read it twice, they’ll just move on to the next one.

      There may be a murder involved in setting up the dramatic problem,? the spine of the plot.? But the spine of the plot, the throughline of the action,? seems to be about rescuing a victim of a kidnapping.? I suggest focusing on that in the logline.

      >>>as he finds that the kidnapper is closer than he thinks.

      Seems to be a spoiler.? Loglines should never reveal the Big Reveal.? And a “come to find out” story moment is understood to be an essential story element in crime genre.? So there is no need to expend words flogging what is expected of the genre.

      fwiw

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    2. Uberwriter

      Change “keeping her alive” to “protect” or something similar. Mentally troubled doesn’twork so well either. How about emotional?

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    3. Singularity

      Agreed with Erica,

      The wording makes it hard to understand.

      What event specifically motivated the cop? Was it the original kidnapping? Why is he obsessing over this particular case? What does the cop specifically need to achieve? Is it to rescue the victim before she is killed?

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    4. Samurai

      I’m a little confused on this one, who is the cop try to keep the kidnapping victim alive?? Seems strange a kidnapping victim from a murder case, so the victim was killed?? Need a little clarity on this in my opinion, could just be me though.

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