Banked
Nearing the end of his parole and looking to put his criminal past behind him, an ex-con?s plans are derailed by the arrival of two former prison buddies, one with a bullet wound and the other with a plan to rob the local bank.
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Pretty good start here, but I have a few suggestions to try to reduce the wording.
I always suggest starting loglines with words such as “When…”, “As…”, “After…”.
I think some of the excess can be eliminated, and still retain the feel:
“As his parole nears an end, an ex-con gone straight runs into his prison buddies; one with a bullet wound, and one with plans to rob a bank.”
It’s now 28 words, down from 44. I think the flavor is still there, too.
Conceptually, it’s not the most original “just-out-of-prison” ideas, so if you have an interesting “hook” in mind (something that separates it from others of the same genre and topic), I would definitely highlight it in my logline.
As it is, I find it interesting. Whether or not it is interesting enough to want to devote a few hours to read it? That’s the question.
Good luck, and I hope this was some help to you!
Geno Scala (judge)
I think this is good – a lot of potential. Maybe you could get more specific than ‘arrival’. What does this mean exactly? They come for a visit? To move in with him? This logline is still general enough that the story could go either direction – adventure/thriller – or even potentially comedy? Two prison buddies come to crash on his couch and won’t leave as your ex-con tries to get his new business off the ground – a bakery. Get what I mean? I’m not trying to suggest that’s what you should do, just to try to hone it and get more specific. But good job!
Sounds good, Its very close to “Raising Arizona” with bullet wounds and possibly could be a serious drama or potential dark comedy. Maybe try and boil it down just a wee bit “At the end of his parole a ex-cons plans are derailed by his convict buddies, one with a bullet wound the other with plans to rob a local bank.” this is merely one amateur opinion of course.
Thanks for all the great responses!