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JVGray
Posted: August 29, 20122012-08-29T23:14:30+10:00 2012-08-29T23:14:30+10:00In: Public

Nearing the end of his parole and looking to put his criminal past behind him, an ex-con?s plans are derailed by the arrival of two former prison buddies, one with a bullet wound and the other with a plan to rob the local bank.

Banked

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    4 Reviews

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    1. sharkeatingman
      2012-08-30T00:33:41+10:00Added an answer on August 30, 2012 at 12:33 am

      Pretty good start here, but I have a few suggestions to try to reduce the wording.

      I always suggest starting loglines with words such as “When…”, “As…”, “After…”.

      I think some of the excess can be eliminated, and still retain the feel:

      “As his parole nears an end, an ex-con gone straight runs into his prison buddies; one with a bullet wound, and one with plans to rob a bank.”

      It’s now 28 words, down from 44. I think the flavor is still there, too.

      Conceptually, it’s not the most original “just-out-of-prison” ideas, so if you have an interesting “hook” in mind (something that separates it from others of the same genre and topic), I would definitely highlight it in my logline.

      As it is, I find it interesting. Whether or not it is interesting enough to want to devote a few hours to read it? That’s the question.

      Good luck, and I hope this was some help to you!

      Geno Scala (judge)

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    2. holhuds
      2012-08-30T06:51:31+10:00Added an answer on August 30, 2012 at 6:51 am

      I think this is good – a lot of potential. Maybe you could get more specific than ‘arrival’. What does this mean exactly? They come for a visit? To move in with him? This logline is still general enough that the story could go either direction – adventure/thriller – or even potentially comedy? Two prison buddies come to crash on his couch and won’t leave as your ex-con tries to get his new business off the ground – a bakery. Get what I mean? I’m not trying to suggest that’s what you should do, just to try to hone it and get more specific. But good job!

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    3. callenhall
      2012-08-30T13:31:52+10:00Added an answer on August 30, 2012 at 1:31 pm

      Sounds good, Its very close to “Raising Arizona” with bullet wounds and possibly could be a serious drama or potential dark comedy. Maybe try and boil it down just a wee bit “At the end of his parole a ex-cons plans are derailed by his convict buddies, one with a bullet wound the other with plans to rob a local bank.” this is merely one amateur opinion of course.

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    4. JVGray
      2012-09-02T02:18:16+10:00Added an answer on September 2, 2012 at 2:18 am

      Thanks for all the great responses!

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