Outlaw Rising – A sequel to Dark Galaxy 9
IvyEight6Penpusher
A cyborg hunter must protect a young woman by killing a cyborg before he turns her into one.
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A cyborg hunter must protect a young woman by killing a cyborg before he turns her into one.
Is the only solution to kill the bad cyborg?
Also I’d like to see an adjective in the first bit. An exiled cyborg hunter – A novice cyborg hunter – A lesbian cyborg hunter – etc.
My stab – An exiled robot hunter is tasked with protecting his ex wife’s daughter from a murderous cyborg sent to earth to killer her.
“A cyborg hunter must protect a young woman by killing a cyborg before he turns her into one.”
Totally unclear who’s who and what they’re doing and why it matters.
Does “cyborg hunter” mean a hunter of cyborgs or a hunter who is a cyborg? Who is “he” in this scenario, the first-mentioned cyborg hunter or the cyborg that must be killed? It’s possible to infer from context but the confusing grammar forces a reader to unravel the words rather that it being easily understandable upon first reading.
Who is this young woman? Why MUST she be protected, aside from the obvious notion that she probably doesn’t want to be turned into a cyborg? How exactly does a cyborg turn a human into one of their own? And why?
The basics of protagonist, antagonist, conflict, & stakes are all present — but there’s no compelling reason for any of it. We need better detail on who, what, and why this is happening.
I don’t think loglines typically assume familiarity with a particular character, nor do they generally include any names. You can easily just turn that “biggest mission yet” into the inciting incident. Also, you can add some urgency by taking out the uncertainty implied with the word “might”. Personally, I still think it’s a bit dry though. I want some sort of reason why I think the cyborg hunter might not succeed, which could be easily added with an adjective. My take on this:
After a traumatized cyborg hunter manages to escape from the cyborg homeworld after months of torture, he takes on one last mission, to go back and rescue a princess from the cyborgs before they turn her into one of them.
I revised it. I’m planning more sequels.
I might be mistaken, but I don’t think people typically write loglines for individual episodes… just one for the entire series. With your latest logline, you added “race against time”, but that is already implied by the word “before”. If you’re going to add words to the logline, it should be something that adds something that makes me want to watch it even more… not duplicate information. Also, referring to the cyborg as a “he” makes that pronoun ambiguous. That’s why I suggested “it”. I’m not sure exactly how to make this appeal to me more… I tried to add a psychological aspect to it with my last suggestion that might’ve helped.
What should I do?
I honestly don’t know. People can suggest things on this site that might very well help, but you’re the one who knows the story. If you can’t write a logline that makes this film seem more of a “must watch” to people, then either you can say “well, it’s as good as it’s going to get for the story I have”, or you can change the story so it’s more interesting. Right now, I know nothing about your cyborg hunter, the cyborg, or the young woman… you’re totally ignoring strengths, flaws, and psychology. I’d think about that, and what would make a more interesting situation. I tried to suggest something like that with my logline, but I guess you didn’t like it. Maybe a cyborg hunter trainee? Or you can make it so it’s not even a cyborg hunter… like a bear hunter? Or! You can set up something like The Rock and team the cyborg hunter up with a science geek type. And then think about what you can do with the other two characters… hopefully there’s some relation so it makes for a coherent story.
I’m planning more sequels.