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sek505Logliner
On the eve of her final night at an urgent care center, an opiate-dependent nurse practitioner must overcome her addiction to fight off a gang of violent teen junkies, fiending for the stash of narcotics.
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I think the idea has promise, but I would like a clarification:
Is the nurse practitioner in the urgent care center as a patient or as a care giver?? Is she there to kick her own addition.? Or is she working there helping other addicts to kick while maintaining her addiction by stealing from the supply of opiates?
I would like one more clarification.? Why is it dramatically necessary for the rest of the plot that it’s her last night of work?? ?Can’t she just be working or about to work? her shift (and pilfering), and then…?
I agree with dpg that the story has promise, but I think it would be better for the protagonist about to work her shift to create a stronger conflict.
FWIW
sek505:
Thanks for the clarifications.? Okay, here’s some notes based upon my understanding of your premise.
As explained in “Our Formula”, the basic logline has three elements: 1] An inciting incident that triggers a 2] a protagonist to 3] struggle for a specific objective goal.
Therefore,? “On the eve of her final night at an urgent care center” is not an inciting incident.? It’s a situation, a context for the inciting incident.? The inciting incident is the attack.? (And usually, the logline lead offs with the inciting incident.? In this logline it’s buried at the end.)
Further. “must overcome her addiction”? is not an objective goal;? rather it is? a complication to achieving her goal.? (And technically, she can’t overcome her addiction in merely 90 minutes — the best she do is prevail in spite of her addiction, in spite of being under the influence of the opiate.)
So what is her objective goal when the teens attack?? ?Or looking at the plot from the pov of the kids, what is their objective goal?? Is it to attack her — or to get the drugs.? If they’re addicts, then? isn’t their dramatic want? to get the drugs?
So why? doesn’t she just give them drugs they want?? (Which, come to think about it, is a two-fer: it not only spares her from being attacked, it also removes a temptation.)? ?If the teens get what they want, won’t they just flee the scene of their crime?
Why her? (Just curious)
I’m just wondering why she doesn’t do like a bank teller who is being robbed and just tell them, take what you want. After all the drugs can be replaced but human lives can’t.
I think you need the gang to take someone she cares about, hostage. That way she can’t just walk away but must do something.
Also, you need to get rid of her phone. At the beginning of the story, you should show her phone battery on empty and she forgot her phone charger. Just make it a quick ten-second scene where she realizes she forgot her charger but she is late so she can’t go back home to get it. Otherwise, people will wonder why she just doesn’t call the cops.
Anyway, good luck with this, it sounds interesting.
Building on earlier comments how about:
When a gang of violent junkies overtake security at an Urgent Care center, an opiate-dependent nurse injects herself with NarCan (?) to sober up and start fighting back.
Thank you for all of your feedback! So, to answer some of your questions, the reason the gang targets her and that center is that two teen gang members were there earlier during her shift, making up some story about why they need pain meds. She devises a plan to give them some, but keep a few for herself. They realize what she did and threaten her but security kicks them out. They?re angry and want the rest which is why they come back with their buddies.
Also, regarding the narcan, it only reverses the effects of the narcs temporarily…. basically to give EMS enough time to flush their system or get them to a hospital before it wears off. As a nurse, I?ve given it plenty of times to only see it wear off 45 mins later…… which actually may be a good ticking clock! Anyways, thank you guys!